Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Let's Sell the Kids and Move to Tahiti: Restlessness and the Need for Change

Most of us say they hate being in a rut, yet we do the exact same thing day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. We wake up in the same house, drink the same coffee, take a shit at the same time, drive the same route to work, have the same conversation with colleagues, go home and watch the same TV shows, then go to bed at the same time. 

We love our ruts.

Occasionally we throw in sex or a vacation to keep things interesting. It reminds us there's more to life outside our normal routines. The predictability of our ruts give us a sense of security and stability. These ruts allow us to engage in higher order thinking in order to compile those reports for accounting, daydream about that new restaurant on the other side of town, or contemplate the pointlessness of our existence. 

But we're quirky animals. No matter how safe and secure we get, no matter how much comfort we surround ourselves with, we're powerless against one of the most powerful of human motivators:

Boredom.

Eventually we get tired of our ruts. We want change. We crave something new. We crave something different. We crave something that makes us feel alive. We feel an urge to blow the whole damn thing up and start over... so we can build a new rut to comfortably fall into. 

These feelings are nothing new. Since childhood, I've had what could best be described as a serial hobbyist approach to life. Like anyone else, I love ruts. I just don't like spending all that much time in said ruts, and I don't mind making the tough decisions needed to change ruts. 

My Life in a Nutshell



Every few years, I'll drastically change major elements of my life. This is what has motivated my career changes and geographic moves. The cycle is predictable. I'll have an idea fueled by curiosity, that will cause me to find something that interests me, and I'll throw myself into it with reckless abandon. This period is a time of great excitement and energy where I learn, explore, and grow. Eventually I reach a degree of competence in whatever it is I'm doing, then settle into a comfortable rut. There's still a lot of energy surrounding the endeavor as I work towards mastery. Once I feel I have a good handle on whatever I'm doing, the desire for novel experiences creeps in. If I ignore it, symptoms of burn-out creep in, the most significant being apathy and depression. 

The most notable of these was the decision to leave the steadiness and security of full-time teaching to travel the country in an RV with Shelly and the kids. But there have been countless examples of this that have occurred on a smaller scale. All of my hobbies, like kicking footballs, woodworking, magic, ultrarunning, photography, Brazilian jiu jitsu and mma, writing, have followed this pattern. Same deal with other jobs, like working at a bike rental shop, in a grocery store, working at a concession stand at a baseball stadium, delivering for UPS, and working at lumber yards. That RV adventure with the kids, though, was the most significant.

Since that two year adventure, we've settled in San Diego. I eventually landed an entry-level job at a lumber yard and had the opportunity to make it a career. Well, kinda. Around the time I published Never Wipe Your Ass With a Squirrel, I had been promoted and had the opportunity to move into a full-time position. Unfortunately, it would have only paid $10/ hour and it would be years before I could realistically expect a raise. Since Squirrel Wipe was selling far better than expected and was producing a lot more income than I could earn at the lumber yard, it made sense to quit the job to promote the book full-time. 

Since then, I've been working on developing a career loosely based on building an online audience, then leveraging that audience in various ways to develop income. The most obvious application has been selling books like Squirrel Wipe, but also includes things like online advertising, affiliate marketing, product reviewing, and real estate lead generation. All of these endeavors involve a whole lotta social media engagement, which requires sitting in front of a computer anywhere between six to sixteen hours per day. It's basically a process of attracting and maintaining attention. I'm pretty good at it, mostly because I've systematically studied the best practices of attention-whoring for the better part of the last decade. I'm really good at getting people to waste embarrassing amounts of time online.

The Problem



The problem? This rut is getting exhausting. And boring. It's getting more and more difficult to work up the motivation to engage people online. There's a constant pressure to always be engaging because engagement is directly linked to income. If I'm not engaging, I'm not making money. The tighter the finances become, the greater the pressure to be working 24/7, to the point where it's difficult to disengage and spend time with Shelly, the kids, or even pursuing hobbies like jiu jitsu. 

To complicate matters, my creative well has been running dry for an unusually long period of time. When I DO manage to garner attention, I don't have a good product or service to direct people to in order to capitalize on the effort. Squirrel Wipe is four years old, which is ancient in today's marketplace. The two books I've written since, Must Have Been Another Earthquake and No Bone Zone, were targeted to tiny niche markets that are not commercially viable. Trying to generate income based on these past works requires exponentially more work as time passes. I've been supplementing that income with substitute teaching and dabbling in real estate, but finances are still a struggle. 

My other projects, like San Diego Man Camp, require significant development in order to produce enough income to support my family. I have a vision for this project, but it will take time to develop. I simply do not have the creative energy at the present time to do what needs to be done to make that happen. Normally I rely on months-long phases of manic creative energy to get projects like this off the ground, but that energy isn't there right now. And I can't force it. The more I try, the more pronounced the burn-out becomes. I could take a shortcut and use this information and these ideas do some version of "life coaching", but that world consistently gives me the "icky" feelings associated with fraudulent scammers who prey on the weak or gullible. As morally vacuous as I can be, I cannot bring myself to stoop to that level.

For a while, I thought real estate might be the answer. The income potential is greater than writing books, and we live in a ridiculously expensive housing market. Commissions are superb. Initially I assumed I was burned out from writing, ergo real estate would be the change I needed. While I thoroughly enjoy some aspects of real estate, I found I hated the actual selling part. It took a fair amount of introspection to realize why. As it turns out, real estate requires the exact same "always on 24/7" approach as my creative endeavors. We get a lead at 9:00 on a Friday night? We have to follow up immediately or lose the sale. This is no different than than the pressure of always having to engage an audience. The burn-out I've been experiencing generalizes. Who knew?

This issue of restlessness really came to a head over the last few months. It started with the desire to move to a bigger apartment or even a house. We've been living in a shitty two bedroom apartment (with three kids and three cats) in a somewhat shitty area for a few years now. It was cool for a long time because it exposed our kids to hardship and diversity, but we're kinda over that now. An external event completely unrelated to our personal lives really stoked the fire and led Shelly and I to start having conversations about possibly moving from San Diego eventually. We came to the conclusion the things that kept us here initially aren't nearly as significant as they were two years ago. Or even last year. The real telling moment came when we both started training for our upcoming mma fights. It has been FAR more difficult to rustle up the motivation to get through training camp than it was the last time I fought two years ago. The apathy is very similar to the feelings that started creeping in about six months before I ran my last ultramarathon, the Grindstone 100 in Virginia. I dismissed those feelings then, which led to completely abandoning running. I don't want to make the same mistake this time around. 

Our current life here in San Diego has reached the end of the cycle. Shelly's reached a plateau at her job and I'm experiencing this burnout issue... the time is ripe to consider something different. It's time to either make changes here or move on to somewhere else. When we traveled, there were several other areas we loved, so we have a few possible destinations in mind. 

The Solution


So how do I manage this situation? How do I solve this burnout problem? How do I get out of this rut and find my new rut? The logical solution is to make a plan:


  • Step one: Find a day job. Hugh MacLeod, in his excellent book Ignore Everybody, advises creative types to never quit their day job. His rationale was simple - the moment you put pressure on yourself to NEED your creative endeavor to survive, you cut off the freedom that's needed for creativity to thrive. That's exactly what happened to me over the last few years. To right the ship, I need a day job. I need a job I can go to regularly, earn some cash, then go home and spend time with my family without the pressure of having to work all the time. I have a few possible jobs I would like to explore, most of which involve working for school systems outside the classroom. My experiences as a substitute teacher have allowed me to really assess how and why I was burned out from teaching and allowed me to focus in on what I would really enjoy. If I find a job here in San Diego, I'll likely work it for a few years then assess the next step. I'll keep doing the real estate and writing gigs, but they'll be moved to the "side gig" category instead of "primary source of income" category. If I don't find a job locally, I'll likely expand the search and look for jobs outside of San Diego and even California. 
  • Step two: Apply Pareto's principle to eliminate shit that doesn't matter. I got the idea of Pareto's Principle from Tim Ferriss' The 4 Hour Work Week and even wrote about it over at Barefoot Running University. Many of the things I do on a daily basis that once produced tangible gains no longer produce said gains, ergo I spend a fair amount of time doing what amounts to creative masturbation. So I'll take a systematic look at my daily life, identify the 20% of things that are producing 80% of the positive shit, then eliminate as much of the wasteful 80% as I can. The two most obvious examples that need to be radically cut are social media engagement and researching social media engagement best practices. Without a tangible product or service to sell, both of these provide a really shitty return on investment. 
  • Step three: Figure out what's next. This is also known as "goal setting." On a personal level, I want to spend more distraction-free time with Shelly and the kids. I also want to move somewhere more tranquil, whether it be here in the San Diego area or elsewhere. On a professional level, I want to build off the potential job I'm searching for in schools to launch an entirely new business venture Shelly and I have discussed. On the recreational level, I want to get back to lifting weights and training jiu jitsu on a more regular basis. Finally, I want to build this group into what I envision it to be. 
  • Step four: Make all the shit in step three happen. When it's time for change, it's time for change. I'm normally a huge procrastinator... until it comes to issues such as this. After our fights this upcoming Sunday, I'll fully put this plan in motion. I've already started by applying to a handful of jobs, cutting back on social media time, and researching our other possible destinations. The initial excitement I feel over these preliminary steps provides a powerful confirmation that I am indeed burned out and desperately need to change shit up. 

Conclusion



Being in a rut isn't a bad thing. Being in a rut and feeling restless? That's a different story. The older I get, the better I get at detecting when I need to change things up. More importantly, I get better at figuring out what I need to change, why I need to change it, and how to go about making those changes. It's definitely time to make these changes. We'll see how it goes. I've spent the last four years hustling to make my "creative" career work as a primary means of making a living, but it's run its course. It's time to move the creativity back to "hobby" status and chase some new goals. 



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Monday, September 26, 2016

How "The Patriarchy" Makes Our World Better



The following is a excerpt from my longer post from last year where I spell out the fundamental elements of the ideology I teach in the San Diego Man Camp. In light of the recent spat of mass shootings conducted by disgruntled males here in the US recently, I want to draw attention to this particular piece of the puzzle. "The Patriarchy" is often used as a Boogieman for feminists as the cause of all our world's problems. In reality, "the patriarchy" serves to guide otherwise destructive or lazy men into more productive endeavors. 

But first... the definition of "The Patriarchy." For funsies, I'll let the completely rational ladies over at Feministing offer up the definition: What Is The Patriarchy?

Got it? Good, let's get started.

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The Real Purpose of "The Patriarchy"


Fighting against "The Patriarchy" is a pretty common strawman argument used today to justify all sorts of attempts at silly social engineering. It IS true; we used to have a patriarchal system of government. Women were excluded from representation. Winning the freedom of equality under the law was the original goals of feminism. As I stated before, that was a great thing. People don't seem to understand, though, that patriarchy was a system to control men, not women. Women were oppressed under the system, but that was incidental to the real purpose of patriarchy.

The idea that men would have to create an entire social structure to control women should fall apart immediately when you consider one simple, irrefutable fact - men are physically stronger than women. Men don't need elaborate social structures like religion, codified laws and a judiciary, and social mores to control women. They can simply use force. Testosterone gives us a size, strength, and speed advantage, along with the capacity and primal drive to use aggression to engage in extreme violence.

Controlling each other, though... now that takes some work. THAT is the reason men developed "The Patriarchy."

To understand why men need to be controlled, you really have to understand the nature of masculinity. Masculine men have that shit-ton of testosterone flowing through our bodies, and that causes all sorts of well-documented behavioral and attitudinal characteristics. This effect leads men to follow one of three "paths" that are driven by our primal, biological imperative:

  • Create 
  • Destroy 
  • Enjoy 

That's it. Those are the three options men have. If we create, we find a passion that helps our fellow man and follow it with all our heart. We become givers and strive to make ourselves the best version of us we can possibly become. This is the vehicle that has led to pretty much every major advancement of humanity. The problem with "creating" is that it's hard work. There are few tangible rewards along the way except for the journey itself. In fact, the overarching goal of the San Diego Man Camp (join our Facebook group if you haven't already done so.) This is also why I kind of despise beta males... they refuse to improve themselves or do the hard work to create. They sit on their asses, content with being "special for who they are." Anyway, I digress. 

If we destroy, we become takers. This would include petty criminals, con artists, rapists, murderers, evil dictators, etc. Biggest problem with destroyers is that it's a lot easier than being a creator and one man can do a Hell of a lot of damage. A small group of men can do even more. We don't want men to do this; it sends society backward. 

The final option is to simply kick back and do nothing productive OR destructive. Weirdly, men have the capacity to be ridiculously industrious AND complete and total lazy fucks. This is your typical lazy fuck beta male chump today, which is encouraged by modern feminists that attempt to "redefine masculinity." 

So what does this have to do with patriarchy? 

Waaaayyyy back in our evolutionary history when we were still hunting and gathering, men didn't really have much of a choice. They were productive when they needed to hunt or build shit for the tribe. They were destructive when they had to protect the tribe or forcefully acquire resources from neighboring tribes. Finally, they were lazy the rest of the time to conserve energy for famines and other harsh environmental conditions. The tribes that had the most men that could successfully do all three survived and killed those that were less successful. See where those drives originated and were selected via natural selection? 

Eventually we discovered agriculture, which led to villages, towns, and eventually cities. Larger, more diverse populations and more specialization meant not all men needed to use all three of these drives, but we still possessed the potential. And sometimes bad shit happened when men decided to destroy. Or get lazy. The leaders, at some point, started devising ways to control and channel men into a pro-social way. Those methods fell into three categories: 
  • Force 
  • Bribes 
  • Family Life 

The problem with force is that it takes a lot of time and resources, and doesn't work especially well over a long period of time. Imagine a dude standing over your cubicle with a whip. Positive punishment, in operant conditioning terms, needs to be immediate, severe, and consistent to be effective. You end up needing almost as many whip-crackers as male workers. That's a pretty inefficient system. 

The problem with bribes is that it takes a lot of resources and it causes an extrinsic motivation effectwhere we eventually hate what we're "paid" to do. Think of how many Americans today despise their jobs. Without kids to raise and sex (only the rich handsome males had regular access to women, that's why the ancients were polygynist), there was little motivation to work for rewards long-term because the rewards become ineffective. 

That left "family life." At some point, leaders realized men would be motivated to choose the "create" option if they were doing it to provide for a wife and kids. He would be motivated by sex from his wife and the desire to get his genes into the next generation. 

The problem with family life is that we're not all that well-suited for lifelong monogamous pair-bonding. We're inherently kinda slutty AND there's the problem with polygyny I mentioned before where only the best males had wives. The idea of monogamous marriage and the expectation of sexual fidelity solves that problem because it gives a lot more men access to wives. However, it requires systems to control men's desire to fuck as many women as possible and women's tendency to always seek the best male they can attract. THAT is where all the oppression of patriarchy comes from. The oppression of females, which did happen, was just a consequence of controlling men. 

Today, we've effectively ended the patriarchy. Women now have all the legal freedoms men historically enjoyed. We now have a social, legal, and economic system that allows women access to anything and everything men have access to, which includes government support should they decide or become a single mother. It's easy to get married, easy to get divorced, premarital sex and cohabitation are common and accepted, serial monogamy has replaced "till death" monogamy as the norm, and ethical, consensual nonmonogamy is increasing in popularity

Needless to say, all of us have incredible freedom. But that freedom comes at a very, very serious cost because far too many of us still deny that gender matters. A lot. 


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Thursday, September 22, 2016

Set Goals No Matter How Impossible


Goal-setting is a time-honored pillar of self-improvement. Most recommend setting difficult-but-achievable goals, reach the goal, then set another similarly-difficult goal. This is an excellent way to systematically progress and is exactly what I use regularly.

However, I also utilize close-to-if-not-completely-impossible goals like Bruce references in the above pic. I usually use this method for very specific situations, like my hobbies. Here are two examples:

Example #1: Back when I was running ultramarathons, I would pick one particular runner who was enjoying a high level of success. The goal was simple - I wanted to beat them. If we're running the same race, I wanted to finish ahead of them. If we were running the same race but different years, I'd want to beat their time. I would study everything about them... how they train, what they eat, what gear they use, how they prepared for races... whatever. Since there would be inevitable differences between us, I would alter whatever they did to account for said differences. They were far more successful than I was, so I would use them as the model. And they would be the rabbit I would chase. It was incredibly motivating.

I would also do this with specific elements of running. For example, I wanted to get better at running uphill. The solution? Pick someone who was a phenomenal uphill runner, then shoot to beat them. 

The key- the people I would choose were really good. I only surpassed my targets about 10% of the time, but the net effect made me a FAR better runner.

Example #2: Jiu jitsu. I spent the first two years of doing jiu jitsu learning as many of the basic, fundamental skills as I could without any specific targets. Once I felt I had a decent, well-rounded base, I wanted to start aiming for the stars. So I picked out the best jiu jitsu player I regularly trained with, and set the goal of being able to regularly beat them. So I do the same thing - closely study everything they do, then adapt it to myself then begin working hard. 

Much more so than the ultrarunning goals, this one will, in all likelihood, be impossible. As a forty year old dude, I'm already fighting the losing battle with age. The target is significantly younger and more naturally athletic. However, jiu jitsu is a martial art specifically designed for a weaker, smaller, less athletic person to defeat a physically-superior opponent. That makes this goal theoretically possible, but it would require me to REALLY master every single technique and get creative with synthesizing new shit to give myself a competitive advantage. To make this goal even more difficult, the target excels at both technical proficiency and creative synthesis of the basics. There's an extremely high probability I will fail at this goal. But...


The lesson: If there's something you really want to master, don't be afraid of picking impossible goals. 



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Monday, September 19, 2016

How Older Women Can Compete With Younger Women: A Guide to Winning the Dating Wars



So you're a woman over thirty and you're striking out in the dating world. All you want is that perfectly-chiseled man who will buy you pretty things, take you on exciting adventures, and love you unconditionally. What are you to do? You've come to the right place!

This is long. There is no tl:dr. If you're too lazy to read, it would be useless information anyway.

First, I feel ya. Talking about this shit can be really difficult for all kinds of parties because it strips away the sugar coating we use to make ourselves feel better about the bleakness of life. As a 40 year old dude, I can say it also relate to the bleakness of aging and how that factors into all of this. For me personally, learning about this shit was hard because I realized my former beta male self wasn't just leading a less-than-effective life, but I was actively emotionally-manipulating a whole lotta people around me and had been since puberty. That's some painful shit to process. 

I've spent the last 2-3 years working on honing a message that allowed me to teach other dudes and their female mates about this without that god-awful dread I went through. I do all of this shit out of a sense of compassion, though it's rarely reflected in my tone. I want to make people's lives better and I'm most effective when I'm doing exactly what I'm doing now. But it ain't subtle.

Second, and related to that last point, I have not had as much time to craft a message that makes this more appealing to women as it relates to their lives specifically. This is obvious when we start discussing sexual market value as women move past their late 20's. So here's an attempt at that.

Let's Begin...


Okay, first the reality. In simple economic terms, SMV is accurate and plays out as I've described. Older women are in competition with younger women, and they generally lose. The flip side - older men are in competition with younger men and generally win. Both of those scenarios have a loser; that's the nature of competition. And we know what it takes to win in both scenarios.

For a woman over about 30, that sucks because physical attractiveness is by far the most important thing that matters to dudes universally. The "manosphere" dudes call this point where women's value on the sexual market starts to decline as "the wall." As you know, this is why the cosmetics and plastic surgery industry is so robust... looking young sells. It's important to note this is rooted in biology. We can't talk ourselves out of this by redefining what is beautiful because what is beautiful are indicators of fertility. And we all know how that works.

So the real question women are usually asking, which I will attempt to answer - how can a post-wall woman compete with women who have not passed that point? I'm going to give you tips that will pertain to each of you individually; this isn't a message I could give to all women and it be effective.

Y'all, by virtue of reading this blog, are fundamentally different than 99% of your cohorts. That's huge. I'm going to give you some decidedly un-politically-correct masculine-voiced advice of what you can do to be more attractive to dudes because I trust all of you can read it without getting triggered because you've filled your head with feel-good nonsense that's not based in objective reality.

All other things being equal, the younger woman is going to be more objectively physically attractive. Many of you more "experienced" readers have daughters. If you showed 100 random male strangers a picture of both of you, which would they choose? Attractiveness matters a lot, so that's tip #1.

Tip #1: Look as fit and hot as you possibly can. Facial attractiveness is tough to reverse, but skin care and really good cosmetics do make a huge difference. Many women, as they approach and pass 40, kinda give up. The "fat is beautiful" trope is really stupid, and is a blessing in disguise. These lazy women are your competitors, take advantage. It's the reason almost all of the SDMC dudes lift weights and work to cut our body fat. Which brings me to fitness. Work out. Aim for a body fat % between 15-20%. I personally recommend Crossfit for exercise and MyFitnessPal (the app) to control diet. This tip is huge. There's a chick in her mid-50's that hangs out at the pool outside my living room window. Facially, she's a *generous* 2 out of 10. But she's relatively fit and has a body fat percentage around 10% and an "A" cup. No ass. Yet 85% of the vacationers that are visiting, including attractive young dudes, check her out and about half strike up conversations. That's a little too skinny, but you get the point.

Tip #2: Seduction matters. I think most post-wall women make the mistake of trying to attract men the same way they did pre-wall, which is based entirely off physical attractiveness. This is a huge mistake. You have something the young chicks have... knowledge. Use it. I know, based on your comments, you do this already. But use it more. One of the weird skills I developed as a beta male "Nice Guy" was the ability to get women to fall in love with me. I have 100% confidence I have the skills to make any woman fall head-over-heels in love with me if I have about three months. This is how I landed my wife, FWIW. She knows this; its's an amusing story. Anyway, I can do that because I know what it takes. If you're looking for a long-term relationship (any of you could get laid at any time if you really needed to), you know what it takes to get a dude to fall for you on an emotional level. Use that. The young chikas ain't got that. If your seduction skills aren't in the top 5% of your peers, buy this book and follow the advice

Tip #3: Be willing to do anything within reason sexually, do it quickly, and do it enthusiastically. This is the basis of the "MILF teaching the young man about sexuality" arrangement that's relatively common today. We all have really dark sexual fantasies we will never, even under torture, reveal. This, by the way, is the trump card of "psychics." Tell people they have a dark sexual secret, throw out a few Forer statements (Google it), and BAM! They're 100% convinced you're Miss Cleo (RIP.) In my "Ladder Theory" post, I shared what dudes look for in chicks. Our perception of the likelihood she'll put out quickly is a HUGE part of the pie. So at least give dudes the perception you'll put out quickly. It's a great opportunity to hook them into the seduction game from Tip#2. When you do finally put out, give them the impression you'd be down to try anything once, and do it with enthusiasm, not trepidation. TMI - this is my wife. I hypothesize women who have this attitude cause a massive oxytocin dump in the brain, because it makes me want to cling to her like Hubba Bubba in your pony tail.

Tip #4: Don't come off as sex-crazed. You have to walk a fine line between #3 and #4. High value dudes will have confidence in doing what's needed to get you into the bedroom, so there's no need to advertise the fact that you love sex. Come off as too sexual and you'll drive those guys away (we like the challenge) and attract low value dudes who have no game. 

Tip #5: Personality matters more than most realize, but for a weird reason. All of you have a particular personality. Let it fly. Show the outside world your inside world. People who are their authentic self radiate a confidence that is absolutely infectious. You hippies probably have a word for it. But it's fucking magnetic. But here's the catch. It's only magnetic to those who are like-minded. But those people... they get you. And people that get you want to be with you. When we're talking opposite genders... that means bonding. Outwardly, I'm a far different person than I was even two years ago. But I'm the same inside. And the difference is night and day. I just attract like-minded people. That's why SDMC has been a success... we all "get" each other. Same deal applies in relationships. Again, a personal reference - my wife and I have been through serious shit as a couple. We've also experienced all kinds of crazy shit. It would have torn most couples apart. Why did we survive? Fundamentally, we "get" each other because we're basically the same person but with genitals that match up in fun ways. The only way you get people to buy the real you is to market the real you.

Tip #6: Don't be a cunt. Be a decent, pleasant person. Have good manners. Be respectful. Be grateful. Don't perpetually act like a victim. Don't be a bitch. Don't be bitter and act like you have a chip on your shoulder. No talking about exes and how they fucked you over. Or worse, comparing the dude you're with to your ex... even if it's favorable. It's a huge red flag. No bitching about how unfair life is treating you. Don't be emasculating. Don't come off as a know-it-all. We hate women who always have to be right. So many women come off as just horrible people... and I don't think they have any self-awareness of this at all. Be warm, kind, and gracious. 

Tip #7: Be interesting. Interesting people are interesting because they have depth of personality. Quite simply, they know shit about a lot of different things, and they talk about those things. One of the worst parts of the running world I was a part of for many years is almost all runners live and breathe running. The topic gets old when you're running with someone for 12 hours in the mountains. Let's face it, you've seen some shit. Almost all of you remember the Challenger. Men don't value "smart" women nearly as highly as they value "interesting" women. And those are two very, very different concepts.

Tip #8: Embrace propinquity. Place yourself in environments where high value men hang out. This one seems obvious, but most women don't do it. You know what kind of man you're looking for. Figure out where they exist, then go there. Propinquity is one of the most reliable predictors of people entering relationships. Take advantage of that. Likewise, avoid places where low value males hang out. When women ask "where are all the good men?", they're certainly not hanging out at the coffee shop or a Hillary Clinton rally. 

Tip #9: Don't advertise you're a fucking feminist. Feminists act like dudes. Not feminine chicks who can add spice by sprinkling in some masculine traits, but dudes. Like you feel kinda gay if you're having sex with them. That's not good for a straight dude. Feminism is like alpha repellent. And beta attractant. If you ever get an apparent alpha who claims to love feminists? You're either super hot and he's trying to fuck you or, far more likely, he's a pickup artist beta who has great acting chops. Avoid discussing feminism and anything related to feminism. Keep the ideals. Dress them in a far more seductive package.

Tip #10: Don't take advice from dudes who are trying to bone you. I always advise men to NOT get any sex, love, or relationship advice from women. First, women don't seem to have a great grasp on what exactly turns them on (which I argue is evolution in action... it's a good thing.) Second, if the woman is attracted to you, the advice is going to be anything that maximizes her chances with you. That last point works in reverse. Except most dudes who are looking for just sex will fuck just about any woman who isn't extremely repulsive. I've seen how low this can go before... it's moderately disturbing. The point - if you ever encounter dudes who give you advice on any of this, it's safe to assume they're going to give advice to maximize their chances of boning you. If your seduction game is on point, you can actually use this bit of information in said game.

Tip #11: Don't overshare. Be judicious about the pace at which you self-disclose your life. You don't want to come off as if you're hiding shit, but don't reveal your deepest, darkest secrets within the first twenty minutes on the first date. Like an onion, reveal your layers one at a time. 

Tip #12: Don't order a fucking salad on the first lunch or dinner date. Nothing says "I have a cardboard personality" like ordering salad. Order something interesting or exotic, sexy, and decadent. Then offer to share. 

Tip #13: Be a capable conversationalist. This goes back to the "be interesting" idea, but a little more specific. When he's talking, actually listen (as opposed to composing your next statement in your head.) FAR too many people do this and it's annoying as fuck. Develop your ability to ask questions based off what the other person says. If they mention they went to school in upstate New York, follow up by asking something like "Were the fall colors as brilliant as I imagine?" Silly example, but you get the idea. Listen more than you talk. If your socialization skills aren't in the top 5% of your peers, buy this book and follow the advice

Tip #14: Don't be a catty bitch. Women, if in the presence of a high value man, have an annoying tendency to sexually disqualify other women within eyesight with comments like "look at that woman in the slutty dress. I bet she has herpes." If you're doing what it takes to assure the dude you're with is interested in you, there's no need to do this. It just makes you look like an insecure jealous or envious bitch, both of which are red flags. 

Tip #15: If you have kids or pets, don't talk about them unless asked. It's fair to mention them, but don't make them the topic of conversation unless he asks. Nothing kills seduction like talk of family. Also, if he has kids and you don't BUT you have a pet, DO NOT COMPARE THE EXPERIENCES AS IF THEY'RE THE SAME THING! Being a "pet parent" isn't parenting. It's a fucking animal. This is a powerful indicator you've lost touch with objective reality.

Tip #17: Be aware of the caveats of online dating. Online dating is a weird animal. Generally speaking, the people who use online dating are doing so because they're either too busy to meet people in real life, are just looking to get laid with minimal effort, or have social hangups that make asynchronous, electronic communication more desirable than chatting face-to-face. For women, you're not going to find a lot of high value alpha males looking for relationships online. Most high value dudes are just looking for a string of random hookups. Those who ARE looking for commitment get snatched up by high value women almost immediately because they're so god damned rare... which is more than enough justification to make yourself as hot as possible to compete. The vast majority of men online a beta turds who are excessively needy, fat, lazy, weird in an off-putting way, or just hoping to find a woman desperate enough to fuck them. To avoid those men, I suggest adding the following like to your profile: "No male feminists." It won't completely solve the problem, but it's a good start. 

Tip #18: Understand not all dudes who will fuck you will want to have a relationship with you. I intentionally saved this one for last because it's among the biggest mistakes I see women making. I explain this dynamic in more detail in this post, but it basically works like this: High value dudes will tap low value women, but will only commit to high value women. Women often assume if they're good enough to fuck, they're good enough for girlfriend (or gasp - wife) material. Not so. Women looking for commitment consistently aim for men clearly out of their league, then get frustrated when those men ditch them. The problem isn't the men. The problem is the woman's failure to understand how men actually work. The rule of thumb: If you have problems getting men to commit, lower your expectations and shoot for lower value men, or, as I recommend in the linked article and in some of the tips above, do the hard work of making yourself a higher value woman. I recommend making a list of the things you desire from your dream man. Now make a list of the shit you bring to the table. Be honest. Do you think that dream man would be impressed with your list? If not, get to work or start crossing shit off your dream man list

Conclusion


There you have it - eighteen tips to help older women compete with younger women. Given our society's tendency to shame masculinity, we have a glut of beta males running around. High-value alpha males capable of long-term relationships really are unicorns. These eighteen tips, if followed, will give you a HUGE advantage over all your cohorts and should give you a fighting chance with the younger, less experienced women. 

Good luck!

In the next post, I'll share some tips on how to discriminate between alpha and beta males. 



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How Older Women Can Compete With Younger Women: A Guide to Winning the Dating Wars



So you're a woman over thirty and you're striking out in the dating world. All you want is that perfectly-chiseled man who will buy you pretty things, take you on exciting adventures, and love you unconditionally. What are you to do? You've come to the right place!

This is long. There is no tl:dr. If you're too lazy to read, it would be useless information anyway.

First, I feel ya. Talking about this shit can be really difficult for all kinds of parties because it strips away the sugar coating we use to make ourselves feel better about the bleakness of life. As a 40 year old dude, I can say it also relate to the bleakness of aging and how that factors into all of this. For me personally, learning about this shit was hard because I realized my former beta male self wasn't just leading a less-than-effective life, but I was actively emotionally-manipulating a whole lotta people around me and had been since puberty. That's some painful shit to process. 

I've spent the last 2-3 years working on honing a message that allowed me to teach other dudes and their female mates about this without that god-awful dread I went through. I do all of this shit out of a sense of compassion, though it's rarely reflected in my tone. I want to make people's lives better and I'm most effective when I'm doing exactly what I'm doing now. But it ain't subtle.

Second, and related to that last point, I have not had as much time to craft a message that makes this more appealing to women as it relates to their lives specifically. This is obvious when we start discussing sexual market value as women move past their late 20's. So here's an attempt at that.

Let's Begin...


Okay, first the reality. In simple economic terms, SMV is accurate and plays out as I've described. Older women are in competition with younger women, and they generally lose. The flip side - older men are in competition with younger men and generally win. Both of those scenarios have a loser; that's the nature of competition. And we know what it takes to win in both scenarios.

For a woman over about 30, that sucks because physical attractiveness is by far the most important thing that matters to dudes universally. The "manosphere" dudes call this point where women's value on the sexual market starts to decline as "the wall." As you know, this is why the cosmetics and plastic surgery industry is so robust... looking young sells. It's important to note this is rooted in biology. We can't talk ourselves out of this by redefining what is beautiful because what is beautiful are indicators of fertility. And we all know how that works.

So the real question women are usually asking, which I will attempt to answer - how can a post-wall woman compete with women who have not passed that point? I'm going to give you tips that will pertain to each of you individually; this isn't a message I could give to all women and it be effective.

Y'all, by virtue of reading this blog, are fundamentally different than 99% of your cohorts. That's huge. I'm going to give you some decidedly un-politically-correct masculine-voiced advice of what you can do to be more attractive to dudes because I trust all of you can read it without getting triggered because you've filled your head with feel-good nonsense that's not based in objective reality.

All other things being equal, the younger woman is going to be more objectively physically attractive. Many of you more "experienced" readers have daughters. If you showed 100 random male strangers a picture of both of you, which would they choose? Attractiveness matters a lot, so that's tip #1.

Tip #1: Look as fit and hot as you possibly can. Facial attractiveness is tough to reverse, but skin care and really good cosmetics do make a huge difference. Many women, as they approach and pass 40, kinda give up. The "fat is beautiful" trope is really stupid, and is a blessing in disguise. These lazy women are your competitors, take advantage. It's the reason almost all of the SDMC dudes lift weights and work to cut our body fat. Which brings me to fitness. Work out. Aim for a body fat % between 15-20%. I personally recommend Crossfit for exercise and MyFitnessPal (the app) to control diet. This tip is huge. There's a chick in her mid-50's that hangs out at the pool outside my living room window. Facially, she's a *generous* 2 out of 10. But she's relatively fit and has a body fat percentage around 10% and an "A" cup. No ass. Yet 85% of the vacationers that are visiting, including attractive young dudes, check her out and about half strike up conversations. That's a little too skinny, but you get the point.

Tip #2: Seduction matters. I think most post-wall women make the mistake of trying to attract men the same way they did pre-wall, which is based entirely off physical attractiveness. This is a huge mistake. You have something the young chicks have... knowledge. Use it. I know, based on your comments, you do this already. But use it more. One of the weird skills I developed as a beta male "Nice Guy" was the ability to get women to fall in love with me. I have 100% confidence I have the skills to make any woman fall head-over-heels in love with me if I have about three months. This is how I landed my wife, FWIW. She knows this; its's an amusing story. Anyway, I can do that because I know what it takes. If you're looking for a long-term relationship (any of you could get laid at any time if you really needed to), you know what it takes to get a dude to fall for you on an emotional level. Use that. The young chikas ain't got that. If your seduction skills aren't in the top 5% of your peers, buy this book and follow the advice

Tip #3: Be willing to do anything within reason sexually, do it quickly, and do it enthusiastically. This is the basis of the "MILF teaching the young man about sexualality" arrangement that's relatively common today. We all have really dark sexual fantasies we will never, even under torture, reveal. This, by the way, is the trump card of "psychics." Tell people they have a dark sexual secret, throw out a few Forer statements (Google it), and BAM! They're 100% convinced you're Miss Cleo (RIP.) In my "Ladder Theory" post, I shared what dudes look for in chicks. Our perception of the likelihood she'll put out quickly is a HUGE part of the pie. So at least give dudes the perception you'll put out quickly. It's a great opportunity to hook them into the seduction game from Tip#2. When you do finally put out, give them the impression you'd be down to try anything once, and do it with enthusiasm, not trepidation. TMI - this is my wife. I hypothesize women who have this attitude cause a massive oxytocin dump in the brain, because it makes me want to cling to her like Hubba Bubba in your pony tail.

Tip #4: Don't come off as sex-crazed. You have to walk a fine line between #3 and #4. High value dudes will have confidence in doing what's needed to get you into the bedroom, so there's no need to advertise the fact that you love sex. Come off as too sexual and you'll drive those guys away (we like the challenge) and attract low value dudes who have no game. 

Tip #5: Personality matters more than most realize, but for a weird reason. All of you have a particular personality. Let it fly. Show the outside world your inside world. People who are their authentic self radiate a confidence that is absolutely infectious. You hippies probably have a word for it. But it's fucking magnetic. But here's the catch. It's only magnetic to those who are like-minded. But those people... they get you. And people that get you want to be with you. When we're talking opposite genders... that means bonding. Outwardly, I'm a far different person than I was even two years ago. But I'm the same inside. And the difference is night and day. I just attract like-minded people. That's why SDMC has been a success... we all "get" each other. Same deal applies in relationships. Again, a personal reference - my wife and I have been through serious shit as a couple. We've also experienced all kinds of crazy shit. It would have torn most couples apart. Why did we survive? Fundamentally, we "get" each other because we're basically the same person but with genitals that match up in fun ways. The only way you get people to buy the real you is to market the real you.

Tip #6: Don't be a cunt. Be a decent, pleasant person. Have good manners. Be respectful. Be grateful. Don't perpetually act like a victim. Don't be a bitch. Don't be bitter and act like you have a chip on your shoulder. No talking about exes and how they fucked you over. Or worse, comparing the dude you're with to your ex... even if it's favorable. It's a huge red flag. No bitching about how unfair life is treating you. Don't be emasculating. Don't come off as a know-it-all. We hate women who always have to be right. So many women come off as just horrible people... and I don't think they have any self-awareness of this at all. Be warm, kind, and gracious. 

Tip #7: Be interesting. Interesting people are interesting because they have depth of personality. Quite simply, they know shit about a lot of different things, and they talk about those things. One of the worst parts of the running world I was a part of for many years is almost all runners live and breathe running. The topic gets old when you're running with someone for 12 hours in the mountains. Let's face it, you've seen some shit. Almost all of you remember the Challenger. Men don't value "smart" women nearly as highly as they value "interesting" women. And those are two very, very different concepts.

Tip #8: Embrace propinquity. Place yourself in environments where high value men hang out. This one seems obvious, but most women don't do it. You know what kind of man you're looking for. Figure out where they exist, then go there. Propinquity is one of the most reliable predictors of people entering relationships. Take advantage of that. Likewise, avoid places where low value males hang out. When women ask "where are all the good men?", they're certainly not hanging out at the coffee shop or a Hillary Clinton rally. 

Tip #9: Don't advertise you're a fucking feminist. Feminists act like dudes. Not feminine chicks who can add spice by sprinkling in some masculine traits, but dudes. Like you feel kinda gay if you're having sex with them. That's not good for a straight dude. Feminism is like alpha repellent. And beta attractant. If you ever get an apparent alpha who claims to love feminists? You're either super hot and he's trying to fuck you or, far more likely, he's a pickup artist beta who has great acting chops. Avoid discussing feminism and anything related to feminism. Keep the ideals. Dress them in a far more seductive package.

Tip #10: Don't take advice from dudes who are trying to bone you. I always advise men to NOT get any sex, love, or relationship advice from women. First, women don't seem to have a great grasp on what exactly turns them on (which I argue is evolution in action... it's a good thing.) Second, if the woman is attracted to you, the advice is going to be anything that maximizes her chances with you. That last point works in reverse. Except most dudes who are looking for just sex will fuck just about any woman who isn't extremely repulsive. I've seen how low this can go before... it's moderately disturbing. The point - if you ever encounter dudes who give you advice on any of this, it's safe to assume they're going to give advice to maximize their chances of boning you. If your seduction game is on point, you can actually use this bit of information in said game.

Tip #11: Don't overshare. Be judicious about the pace at which you self-disclose your life. You don't want to come off as if you're hiding shit, but don't reveal your deepest, darkest secrets within the first twenty minutes on the first date. Like an onion, reveal your layers one at a time. 

Tip #12: Don't order a fucking salad on the first lunch or dinner date. Nothing says "I have a cardboard personality" like ordering salad. Order something interesting or exotic, sexy, and decadent. Then offer to share. 

Tip #13: Be a capable conversationalist. This goes back to the "be interesting" idea, but a little more specific. When he's talking, actually listen (as opposed to composing your next statement in your head.) FAR too many people do this and it's annoying as fuck. Develop your ability to ask questions based off what the other person says. If they mention they went to school in upstate New York, follow up by asking something like "Were the fall colors as brilliant as I imagine?" Silly example, but you get the idea. Listen more than you talk. If your socialization skills aren't in the top 5% of your peers, buy this book and follow the advice

Tip #14: Don't be a catty bitch. Women, if in the presence of a high value man, have an annoying tendency to sexually disqualify other women within eyesight with comments like "look at that woman in the slutty dress. I bet she has herpes." If you're doing what it takes to assure the dude you're with is interested in you, there's no need to do this. It just makes you look like an insecure jealous or envious bitch, both of which are red flags. 

Tip #15: If you have kids or pets, don't talk about them unless asked. It's fair to mention them, but don't make them the topic of conversation unless he asks. Nothing kills seduction like talk of family. Also, if he has kids and you don't BUT you have a pet, DO NOT COMPARE THE EXPERIENCES AS IF THEY'RE THE SAME THING! Being a "pet parent" isn't parenting. It's a fucking animal. This is a powerful indicator you've lost touch with objective reality.

Tip #17: Be aware of the caveats of online dating. Online dating is a weird animal. Generally speaking, the people who use online dating are doing so because they're either too busy to meet people in real life, are just looking to get laid with minimal effort, or have social hangups that make asynchronous, electronic communication more desirable than chatting face-to-face. For women, you're not going to find a lot of high value alpha males looking for relationships online. Most high value dudes are just looking for a string of random hookups. Those who ARE looking for commitment get snatched up by high value women almost immediately because they're so god damned rare... which is more than enough justification to make yourself as hot as possible to compete. The vast majority of men online a beta turds who are excessively needy, fat, lazy, weird in an off-putting way, or just hoping to find a woman desperate enough to fuck them. To avoid those men, I suggest adding the following like to your profile: "No male feminists." It won't completely solve the problem, but it's a good start. 

Tip #18: Understand not all dudes who will fuck you will want to have a relationship with you. I intentionally saved this one for last because it's among the biggest mistakes I see women making. I explain this dynamic in more detail in this post, but it basically works like this: High value dudes will tap low value women, but will only commit to high value women. Women often assume if they're good enough to fuck, they're good enough for girlfriend (or gasp - wife) material. Not so. Women looking for commitment consistently aim for men clearly out of their league, then get frustrated when those men ditch them. The problem isn't the men. The problem is the woman's failure to understand how men actually work. The rule of thumb: If you have problems getting men to commit, lower your expectations and shoot for lower value men, or, as I recommend in the linked article and in some of the tips above, do the hard work of making yourself a higher value woman. I recommend making a list of the things you desire from your dream man. Now make a list of the shit you bring to the table. Be honest. Do you think that dream man would be impressed with your list? If not, get to work or start crossing shit off your dream man list

Conclusion


There you have it - eighteen tips to help older women compete with younger women. Given our society's tendency to shame masculinity, we have a glut of beta males running around. High-value alpha males capable of long-term relationships really are unicorns. These eighteen tips, if followed, will give you a HUGE advantage over all your cohorts and should give you a fighting chance with the younger, less experienced women. 

Good luck!

In the next post, I'll share some tips on how to discriminate between alpha and beta males. 



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Friday, August 19, 2016

Defining Alpha and Beta



One of the most confusing concepts I talk about on this blog is the idea of "alpha" versus "beta." Without a doubt, it is the single biggest misconstrued idea I talk about, mostly because there are all kinds of definitions of these terms used in popular culture. Biologists have a particular definition, different flavors of feminism have different definitions, the "manosphere" uses different definitions... it's pretty damn confusing.

So... here's my explanation. Alpha and Beta are two ends of a spectrum of male social hierarchy (I discussed Alpha Females in this post.) In any given situation, men will consciously or unconsciously organize in a hierarchy generally based on individual's ability to be effective leaders in that specific situation. In many cases, they will have a degree of expertise in that situation. The ranking below that top alpha is based on capability. The least-capable person occupies the bottom rung of the social hierarchy, and would be considered a beta male. 

The key, of course, is that the social hierarchy can and does change in different situations. The bottom-of-the-hierarchy beta can be the top alpha in a different situation. For men, the social ranking is all about effective leadership in getting shit done. That differs from women, who organize around an Alpha who keeps the group functioning socially. 

When I talk about "alpha traits" and "beta traits", I'm really describing the characteristics that cause men to rise up the hierarchy (alpha traits) or fall in the hierarchy (beta traits.) Generally speaking, the more alpha traits a dude can display across different situations, the more "alpha" he becomes and his sexual market value rises. Similarly, the more beta traits a dude displays across different situations, the more "beta" he becomes and his sexual market value falls. Ladder theory explains the ramifications of SMV


Our goal in San Diego Man Camp is to identify the traits that constitute "alpha", figure out how and why they work, figure out what impact these behaviors have on others, teach them, then practice whenever possible. This is what we mean when we say we want to teach men how to be better men. We're really teaching men how to be more effective leaders. 

Part of this process also involves teaching beta behaviors as something to recognize and avoid unless a situation warrants. For example, many "beta" traits like caring, compassion, cooperation, self-disclosure, peacefulness, etc. are necessary for long-term relationship success, parenting, or even leading. This shit is absolutely necessary, but a man has to establish an alpha frame before he can display beta traits. 


This is why we do what we do in the group.

Given the confusion on this topic, post any questions in the comments section and I'll answer them ASAP.






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Thursday, August 18, 2016

Jason, Why Are There So Many Beta Males In The Ultrarunning World?


In the San Diego Man Camp Facebook group, we spend a lot of time discussing various hobbies. Many of us have at one time or another dabbled in the sport of ultrarunning. To the uninitiated, "ultrarunning" is participating in footraces of fifty kilometers or longer, often on trails. I'm intimately familiar with the sport as a participant and an analyst (it was the topic of my second book "Never Wipe Your Ass with a Squirrel".)

A few male and female ultrarunner friends, after reading this blog and my Sexpressionists blog, have noticed there seems to be a disproportionate number of beta males in the sport. I've made this same observation. In fact, my curiosity over this issue is what ultimately led me to start studying sex and gender issues again. 

What are some Possible Explanations?


There could be many reasons beta males are attracted to the sport, including:


  • "Running" itself is often deemed the opposite of "fighting" (think fight or flight), and people with stronger alpha tendencies are more likely to stick around and fight while people with more beta tendencies are more likely to flee. 
  • The activity itself lowers testosterone, which causes more beta behaviors to emerge. 
  • Ultrarunning requires hours upon hours of enduring physical pain in isolation. That combination tends to produce some really nice conditions to produce a therapeutic effect. I've found many (most?) ultrarunners have a lot of baggage from their past, and the long hours on the trails give them an opportunity to work through shit. Anyway, that baggage tends to be a) shit from childhood, or b) relationship angst. Both of these problems are synonymous with beta males.
  • The sport encourages participation over competition. For everyone but the elites, there's virtually no chance of winning an ultra. So everyone focuses on finishing to earn what amounts to a participation ribbon. That lack of competitiveness also lowers testosterone. 

How About Another Hypothesis?


I've noticed almost all of the "beta males" in ultrarunning don't quite fit the typical beta mold across the board. Maybe they're not real beta males. Maybe many of the dudes who appear to be betas are actually "Nice Guys", who are basically closeted natural alphas who, through the conditioning process of modern Western society, have internalized the idea that masculine behaviors are bad. Here are the reasons:

  • Ultrarunning is a "safe" sport in that it's non-violent (unlike my newer hobbies - Brazilian jiu jitsu, boxing, and mma.) This is a key as the beta male is exceptionally prone to the opinions of others and will avoid anything that will draw the ire of society.
  • It gives ample time to spend around attractive females in an asexual setting. "Nice Guy" beta males believe it is disrespectful to be sexually assertive with women, so they basically friendzone themselves by recruiting women as training partners, pacers, or crew members. They hope, by spending hours and hours with these women, they will eventually convince them of their worthiness as a mate (or fuck buddy.)
  • The females they are exposed to tend to be pretty fucking tough, thus more likely to be willing to take the lead in relationships and make decisions. "Nice Guy" beta males are petrified to make decisions because they're afraid of upsetting women, so they prefer to defer to women. They think they're empowering women. In reality, they're driving them insane
  • The closeted alpha "Nice Guy" beta can't totally hide his alpha tendencies, and ultrarunning feeds those primal alpha drives. Ultrarunning is a dangerous sport, especially the long mountain ultras. Death or severe injury is a real possibility, which is something alpha males thrive off. For the "Nice Guy" beta male, this provides his buried "alpha-ness" the danger and adventure fix it needs to keep him from going insane. 
  • The latter stages of long, hard ultras strips away all the niceties of humanity and reveals our true, primal self... and some men thrive off this. When it's 3am and you're seventy miles into a hundred miler, you're cold, hungry, fighting sleep deprivation, every part of your body in chafed and in pain, your emotional control is shot, life gets pretty fucking raw. Some men hate this spot. Some love it. Those who love it do so because it is the essence of masculinity - experiencing and overcoming incredibly difficult shit by continuing on. We don't get this opportunity in modern society barring freak accidents or natural disasters, so ultras give closeted alphas a change to prove their manhood. 
  • Attention. Ultras are, by design, really fucking stupid. The skillset required has little or no direct real-world application and they're stupidly difficult. To the general population, ultras appear to be insane. To the "Nice Guy" beta male, this attention fuels their need for external validation they should be getting from within.

How Do I Know If I'm One of These "Nice Guy" Beta Males/ Closeted Alphas?


Luckily, the warning signs are pretty clear, which makes it easy to distinguish between "Nice Guy" beta males who are really closeted alphas and actual natural beta males. "Nice Guys" have the following traits:

  • "Nice Guy" beta males are afraid of upsetting women because they believe it will ruin their chances for casual sex, dating, a long-term relationship, or sex within a long-term relationship. In other words, they're deathly afraid of rocking the pussy boat.
  • "Nice Guy" beta males have trouble understanding other males and their behaviors; they simply don't make sense. Things like cat-calling, fighting, bullying and teasing, or "peacocking" just seem like douchey behaviors that serve no purpose.
  • "Nice Guy" beta males do not understand why seemingly normal women fall for "bad boys."
  • When they enter into monogamous relationships with women, the sex always starts off good then slowly decreases in frequency and quality, to the point where all sex is "starfish sex." Intimate acts like kissing and blowjobs disappear. The "Nice Guy" will usually try anything and everything that would be considered a romantic gesture - being a better listener, buying her flowers, jewelry, lingerie, candles, exotic vacations... but none of it seems to help. Relationships tend to go like this
  • "Nice Guy" beta males have mates who tend to nag them all. the. time. 
  • "Nice Guy" males tend to have few if any male friends, nor do they spend time in all-male groups.
  • "Nice Guy" beta males tend to have a growing sense of existential dread, like they have no idea why they're here. They will have often worked their whole life to build what they have in the hopes it would bring happiness and fulfillment, but it only brings a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and despair. "Nice Guy" beta males tend to bury these feelings behind a facade of fake smiles and optimism.
  • Read through a bunch of posts on Reddit's r/deadbedrooms subreddit. If this hits home and you're a dude, you're a "nice Guy" beta. Or if you're a woman and this hits home, you're probably in a relationship with a "Nice Guy."

What Can Be Done?


If any of this sounds familiar, I can relate. Like, REALLY relate. This was me (read my story about overcoming this plight in this post.) If this shit resonates, know there are many of us who have overcome this, made positive changes, and are now living lives far better than the lives we once lived. The best part? Our improvements have made us better leaders, better boyfriends and husbands, and better fathers. 

If you're interested in making positive changes, take a look at our Facebook group and consider a workshop. It could change your life. Sorry ladies, it's a male-only group, which is by design. I do have another mixed-gender Facebook group if any of these ideas sound a little too familiar. Or you just want to learn more about the topic. 



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Monday, August 15, 2016

The Roadmap To Solving Sex and Gender Issues



I've been studying sex and gender for two decades, first as an experimental social psychology student, then as a high school psychology teacher, and finally as a writer. During that time, I've studied pretty much every issue that arises when discussing males and females; masculinity and femininity. The one primary problem that always eluded me:

"How do we effectively solve problems related to sex and gender that result in mutually-beneficial solutions?"

In today's social media-dominated world, many groups try to solve these problems from one of two very general perspectives:


  • "Feminism"
  • "The Manosphere"

"Feminism" includes all the flavors of feminism from Amazon to Trans-national with the common thread being some degree of vilification of men and masculinity as oppressors of women.

"The Manosphere" includes all flavors of pro-male groups including Men Going Their Own Way, Men's Rights Activists, The Red Pill, pickup artists, etc. The common thread tends to be a reaction to feminism and feminist ideals that have basically fucked up our social institutions. 

Neither group is effective at solving problems because they become echo chambers of bad ideas that have zero chance of success. There are all kinds of reasons for this, most of which can be explained with cognitive biases

I've spent the last three years either passively observing many of these groups, actively trolling them, or genuinely engaging in conversations. Damn, did I learn a lot! Specifically, I learned almost all of the people involved in these various groups and communities have a strong emotional attachment to whatever outcome they desire. It's not unlike the irrational attachment we see to political candidates or sports teams. I've come to realize this emotional attachment absolutely kills any chance any of these groups have of solving the problems they routinely bitch and moan about mostly because they ignore reality. At the most basic level, they cannot pass the simple test I like to use to reveal the barriers that prevent ideas from becoming reality:

Ask the "If only..." question. 

For example, "Men and women could achieve true gender equality if only..." where the answer will reveal what barriers are needed to overcome in order for the goal to be actualized. Sure, almost all of these groups WILL be able to answer the question, but their answer is not grounded in reality OR is completely unrealistic. 

In very broad, general terms, most of the feminists seem to want to destroy masculinity as a gender role and most manosphere groups seem to want to subjugate women. Both ideas are moronic because they fail to understand basic human psychology. So they bitch and moan, whine and complain. They blame, shame, and play the victim card. It's like a really, really unpleasant form of intellectual masturbation. And they go through this endless cycle because they seem to genuinely believe there will always be tomorrow. 


I ain't got time for that shit. 

I have an urgency because there won't always be a tomorrow. I don't know if I will be here tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. I don't want to talk about problems. I want to solve problems. So that's what I'm doing. Anyway, I digress.

The Problem


As it turns out, I've discovered the problem is a whole lot simpler than I expected. Most "gender discussion groups" from any perspective are set up and administered by people who are fundamentally broken in some way (that's not a bad thing per se, as most of us have some degree of "broken".) This causes them to gravitate towards one set of particular beliefs that benefits them personally. That's why they cling to one perspective that makes no logical sense, nor has resulted in any empirically-verified positive outcomes. 

They're not doing what they do to make the world a better place; they're doing what they do to feel better about themselves. So they become emotionally-attached to the ideas and resist alternatives.

This was my experience in a group called "The New Masculine", which turned out to be a front for the stupid OneTaste cult. It was basically a bunch of low-value females emotionally manipulating a bunch of uber-beta males. The leaders of the group were clearly exploiting the men for affirmation (and apparently money) not because their ideas worked, but rather because they needed to power to overcome their personal shortcomings. 

To further compound this problem, a lot of gender discussion groups enforce exclusively masculine or exclusively feminine communication styles. That's problematic because that's not how our world works. When we police language with censoring, we create an artificial environment that does not represent the real world. Any discussions we engage in within that environment are subsequently useless. 

I hypothesize this is THE reason all of these groups have such shitty real-world outcomes... they're not based on the real world. Instead, they're based on intellectual musings of broken people. 


The Solution


Turns out the apparent solution is quite simple - create and administer a group that allows men and women to communicate like most men and women communicate in real life. This is exactly what is happening in my Cotton Underwear Nougat Troupe group. All I did was collect folks who have realized their world view might be wrong and throw them together in a group and toss out ideas to discuss. In one month, I've already made tremendous strides towards developing my own hypotheses and, more importantly, workshop content to help solve many of our most pressing sociopolitical problems starting on the individual level. 

The formula is pretty simple - keep out the extremists who do not have the ability to consider alternative points of view, then set a tone of civil discussion. BAM! Phenomenal discussions.

One other significant variable seems to be most if not all of the group's membership has the ability to communicate in either a masculine style or feminine style without losing their shit, which helps immensely with misunderstandings. Those who can't handle that usually don't last all that long without getting triggered and quitting the group. 

What develops are surprisingly organic discussions that closely mimic real-life interactions, which is significant. One of the greatest problems with online communication is the lack of body language and tone of voice cues, which is a fundamental problem with every other gender group I've experienced. 

This group, because of the quality of discussion, is a near-perfect conduit to actually solving all these gender-related issues. 

I'll be posting more on this topic down the road as the group continues to develop.





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