Regardless, I thought it might be nice to write a post celebrating the virtues of being a beta male. In our "feel-good" culture where we like to celebrate anything and everything even if it has absolutely no merit, tossing some affirmations to our fallen brothers seems somehow appropriate. After all, I used to be a beta, and I'm intimately familiar with the psychological mechanism that keeps betas from actually making something better of their lives, so I have a little insight. With that in mind, here are eleven reasons being a beta male is awesome!
11. You don't have to make decisions. Being indecisive and unwilling to commit to one course of action is incredibly liberating. You never have to worry about making anyone unhappy, so you can be confident nobody will hate you. Sure, you rarely get your way, but it's a small price to pay for being a universally-liked people-pleaser.
10. You can let yourself go. Being a beta means people are going to expect you to not give a shit about your appearance. Scraggly hair, ripped t-shirts, sweatpants, Crocs, and a body fat percentage in the low thirties is a nice, low-maintenance style. Doesn't take much work. And that lack of any discernible muscle tone, doughy spare tire, and love handles? Rocking a dadbod is one of the best ways to land single moms that are looking for a
9. Video games! Who said video games are just for kids? You grew up with video games; it's part of your heritage. The ability to improve yourself through diligent hard work to accomplish great things doesn't have to relegated to the real world. You can be a god in the virtual universe. All it takes is a lot of perseverance and the ability to overcome hardships... to level up.
8. You're not burdened with constant female attention. Let's face it, women can be a lot of work. They're time-consuming and always want to "flirt" or "go out on dates" or "have sex." It's far easier to admire women from afar without having to actually interact with them on a romantic level. Besides, if Jesus didn't want you to masturbate to the fantasy of all your female acquaintances, he wouldn't have given you a spank bank. Amitite?
7. Being a social justice warrior is easy as fuck. Back in the day, if you wanted to change the world, you actually had to get off your ass and DO something. Today, thanks to the Internet and social media, you can give the appearance of wanting to change the world without actually doing anything other than "raise awareness" by posting memes, articles from Salon and EliteDaily, and reacting with outrage over anything and everything that offends your pussified sensibilities. You can demand people change, engage in passive-aggressive arguments, call for boycotts and sign petitions, then just wait for the positive affirmations to roll in. All from the comfort of your mom's basement. Man, that Gandhi and Dr. King sure did a lot of unnecessary work!
6. You never have to worry about getting in a fight. Fighting can be dangerous. You might get hurt, and who likes pain? Being a beta allows you to completely avoid the possibility of ever getting into a physical confrontation. Now if only scientists would amend that whole "fight or flight" thing to also include "cower behind the women and children while curling up in the fetal position." With the advent of the Internet, this is doubly-good because you still get to pretend to be a badass from the safety of your keyboard.
5. When things go wrong, you never have to accept responsibility. When cruise ships run aground, nobody ever blames the boy that cleans the toilets. Not taking the lead assures you never have to take responsibility for bad shit. You can always blame someone else. Stuck in a dead-end job? Your wife is too materialistic. Too fat? Must be all those GMOs or gluten. Kids are disrespectful assholes? Probably that damn rap music. Wife cringes when you try to kiss her or constantly rejects your awkward begging for your monthly sex? She must have a medical condition, maybe female sexual arousal disorder. Who knows, big pharma might come through on that last one and finally make that female Viagra that'll allow beta males to drug their wives to feel any sort of sexual arousal towards them. Maybe that'll stop them from drooling over those hot alphas that make their panties wet. You can keep our fingers crossed, right betas?
4. Being in the friendzone gives you the opportunity to learn about female menstruation. When women see you as an asexual blob, they don't feel that sexual tension that normally drives them to be sexy and seductive. As a beta male, that gives you the opportunity to learn all kinds of interesting things about the fairer sex, like exactly how tampons work. Or the fact that girls fart just as much as guys. Or the fact that your "love of my life princess soul mate that just hasn't realized she has the perfect man right here" enthusiastically took it up the ass in the parking lot from a random dude she met in the bar the night before. Besides, self-respect and dignity are just "toxic masculinity" burdens placed on us betas by that oppressive patriarchy.
3. Your porn and masturbation habit assures porn actresses make a decent living. The recession has been tough on everyone, and the porn industry is no exception. Those girls gotta put food on the table, and nobody helps them out more than beta males! The advertising in the videos and on the websites depends on you clicking on their vids and rubbing one out multiple times per day. Not only does your raging porn habit assure you lose all desire to meet real women and have real sex, but it also helps put that girl through college. You, sir, deserve a good Samaritan award!
2. Rescuing women on the internet from men they're attracted to is fulfilling. White knighting is a time-honored vocation that's been around since about 1998. Those fragile damsels venture onto the Internet and have no idea how dangerous this world really is. The don't understand there are hot, sexy, confident guys with stable jobs that are just waiting to lure unsuspecting women into long-term mutually-fulfilling relationships. And those women that are just looking to hook up? Clearly they don't realize how damaged they are and how much they need you, the white knight beta male, to protect them from hot casual sex with fun dudes.
1. The seven year itch assures you'll get a new woman about once every decade. The absolute best part of being a beta male is the assurance that every relationship you enter will eventually end because your woman will stop finding you sexually attractive. You can ride that wave of a year or three of pretty decent, fairly regular sex, then just have to tolerate a few years of lame maintenance sex, maybe her cheating a few times, an emotionally-painful divorce, losing most of your possessions, having to pay alimony and child support, and surviving the crippling depression of knowing the woman you thought was your soul mate discarding you like a used condom. That's a small price to pay, though, because there's always another desperate woman out there that's looking for that passive beta male to pay the bills. It may take a few years to find her, but when you do, you'll get another year or three of decent, fairly regular sex before the cycle repeats itself. New pussy every decade! SCORE!