Thursday, December 31, 2015

Disaster Preparedness Part One: Assessing the Risk

Part of "being a man" involves taking care of your tribe. This series will explore the topic of disaster preparedness. Sometimes bad, unexpected shit happens. Most people rely on others to get them through any hardship. Just watch the news. How many times do you see a disaster situation and countless people paralyzed with fear or completely incapable of fending for themselves? One of my goals as a man that's working to get better at being a man is avoiding that common scenario.

Years ago when I lived in Michigan, I developed a "what if" plan should we ever experience any sort of unexpected disaster. I liked to think of it as insurance. Having grown up in a rural area miles and miles away from any town, I fully understand the need to be able to handle your own shit. If we ever needed services like police, fire, or ambulance, the response would take at least 10-20 minutes. 

My plan at the time wasn't very elaborate and consisted of making copies of important documents and storing them in a remote location, having a three day supply of food and clean water, and making sure we had a healthy supply of flashlights and batteries. It was Michigan; the biggest dangers we faced were prolonged power outages from snow storms or the possibility of a tornado. 

When Shelly and I left Michigan to travel around the country in an RV, we went through many different geographical areas. That variety provided a bit of a challenge, but the RV itself was great. If a disaster was predictable (like a hurricane, severe thunderstorm, snow storm, flooding, wildfires, civil unrest... whatever), we could simply move. Some of the unpredictable events, like earthquakes, were okay, too, because the RV was designed to be tossed around. About the only two disasters we couldn't prepare for would be a tornado or volcano, and the latter is almost always predictable. 

When we settled in San Diego, we still lived in the RV for a year. All the same rules applied; I wasn't especially concerned because we could escape in our self-contained, well-stocked living unit. About two years ago, we moved into an apartment. In true procrastinator fashion, I'm just now reformulating my disaster preparedness plan for our new situation. In this post, I'll outline exactly what I'm doing to prepare. 

Some Facts About San Diego

The first step in developing a plan is to assess the area. San Diego County is a huge metropolitan area with a population of around 3.2 million residents, making it one of the ten biggest cities in the United States. There are six international airports within 100 miles, and two ports of entry into the US. There are a myriad of military bases and installations in the area, including the home of the Navy's Pacific fleet. There's also a decommissioned nuclear power plant north of the city, which is significant because they buried millions of pounds of nuclear waste along the shoreline.

As far as climate, San Diego varies from pleasantly mild to hot depending on the time of year and location. The farther you travel from the ocean, the more variable and extreme the weather gets. The northern part of the county is somewhat like an arid Mediterranean climate, whereas the south and east parts of the county are more like a semi-arid steppe. The whole area only receives about 10 inches of rain annually. 

Another consideration is the possible evacuation routes. San Diego is pretty much in the same boat as Los Angeles. It's a densely-populated urban area surrounded by fairly rugged mountains, then hundreds of miles of brutal desert. There are really only three major highways out of the area, and two lead north to Los Angeles. There are ten or so other possible routes, but all are two lane highways that twist and turn through mountains. Imagine 3.2 million people all fleeing using the same highway and having nearly zero infrastructure capable of handling such a large number of displaced individuals. Those few desert towns ain't gonna be able to handle millions of ill-prepared, panicked people. Depending on the reason for evacuation, that could be very problematic, and will alter my plans a bit.

Possible Disasters

The next step in the plan is assessing the probability of possible disasters. This is accomplished by looking at the incidence of past disasters, then looking at other possible disasters that may not occur regularly, but are still possible. Here's a run-down for San Diego county.

  • Water Curtailment - Water in San Diego is a fickle mistress. Only about 15-20% of the water used originates locally via reservoirs, water recycling, and a new desalination plant that opened in Calsbad. The rest comes from Northern California and the Colorado River. To compound the problem, we're in the midst of a severe drought. Given we get so little rain and have very little access t water supplies, we're uncomfortably dependent on others to supply our water. Over the three years we've been here, our water supply has been shut off about twenty times (all due to local not regional issues.) Because of the regularity in a loss of access to water and the potential for a catastrophic interruption in the entire county's water supply, this is the number one priority in my plan.
  • Wildfire - Pretty much the entire county is a tinder box just waiting to ignite, especially during the dry season from May to about December. The area has experienced a few severe fires over the years. We were present during one of the major events, which happened in May of 2014. There were two major fires less than a mile from our home. They cancelled schools because of the possible danger of fires. Like water interruptions, wildfire danger factors heavily in my plan.
  • House fire - This one gets surprisingly little attention from doomsday planners, but statistically is the most likely. 
  • Home invasion - This isn't a major concern mostly because a) we live in an apartment in an RV park that has multiple gates and two security doors, b) we don't have anything worth stealing (yay thrift store shopping!), and c) there are a lot better (and easier) targets all around us. Still, it's worth considering. 
  • Flood - Flooding is less of an issue for me personally; we live on the second floor of a building on a hill. Still, the occasional heavy rains can cause severe flooding, but it only lasts for a few hours before the excess water runs out to sea.
  • Earthquake - San Diego, like all of California, has a higher-than-average risk for earthquakes. However, the danger is significantly less than other areas like LA and the Bay Area. Earthquakes are probable, but due to excellent building codes, not likely to cause widespread destruction.
  • Tsunami - Like the flooding issue, this isn't a problem that would affect our home. We live about 700 feet above sea level. Still, a tsunami would wreck havoc for the coastline, which would impact us indirectly. 
  • Hurricane - The odds of a hurricane hitting San Diego is extremely remote given the ocean currents drive cold water from the Northern Pacific and the different directional wind patterns at high and low altitudes tend to sheer storms before they make landfall. Still, it's possible a very weak hurricane could hit. Storm surge wouldn't be a huge issue, and winds wouldn't be ridiculously strong. But the rain... that could do some serious damage. 
  • Severe thunderstorm - The threat of severe thunderstorms (and lightning, hail, and tornadoes) are improbable, but not impossible. Still, the same weather effects that insulate us from hurricanes also insulates us from severe storms. Having come from the Midwest, the threat of severe thunderstorms is not a concern.
  • Prolonged power outage - Back in 2011 (before we lived here), electricity to the entire county was cut off due to a problem at a substation. It only lasted around 12 hours for most people, but the stories I've heard are... troubling. Back in Michigan, it wasn't unusual to lose power for days at a time. Everyone was prepared and life went on as normal. A lot of people here simply panicked, lost their shit, and had no idea what to do. And it only lasted 12 hours. If the power supply were ever interrupted for more than a day or so here, given the reliance on electricity and lack of preparedness, I think pandemonium would break out. Preparing for no electricity is easy. Preparing for other people? Not so much.
  • Pandemic - There's a lot of people and goods traveling through San Diego. That, coupled with a large population, means the area is especially susceptible to the fast spread of contagious diseases. 
  • Terrorist attack (Biological agent, dirty bomb, EMP attack, fuck with water supply) - I don't worry about isolated terrorist attacks like that which happened in San Bernardino recently, mostly because it's such a statistically-insignificant danger. I'm more concerned with a major terrorist attack, especially one targeting our fragile water supply. Even though it's extremely unlikely, an electro-magnetic pulse attack (EMP, the result of a nuclear explosion, which destroys electronics across a widespread area) is pretty damn scary. In an instant, all electronics would cease to function from our phones, computers, radios, and televisions to our cars, boats, and airplanes. We would have no electricity, no water, and no sewage. It's scary enough to compel me to plan enough non-electronic redundancy into my plans to cope with such an event, most of which would be the same planning for an electricity outage.
  • Nuclear attack - Like the other items towards the bottom of the list, this is extremely improbable. However, San Diego IS home to a ton of military targets including the Navy, has a lot of long runways (destroying runways destroys our air superiority) and is an important port. In the event of a nuclear war, San Diego's getting hit.
This isn't an absolutely comprehensive list, but it does cover most of the probable events. Some events that aren't covered, like an asteroid hitting the Earth, would be pretty similar to some of the others.


This is the basic information I need to start building my plan. I know the basics of the area and the most probable disasters we'll face. In the next part, I'll discuss the formulating on the plan and the first steps of the actual preparedness. In future sections, I'll talk about adding to the plan to make it more flexible and the process of actually testing the plan. 


Wednesday, December 2, 2015

How Cults Prey on Weak, Vulnerable Men

About two months ago, myself and several members of the SDMC Facebook group and I joined another Facebook group to do some field research and maybe have a little trolling fun. The group was supposedly set up to discuss gender in general and masculinity in particular. I didn't realize it at the time, but the group turned out to be a front for a cult I had briefly researched way back in the mid-2000's, then had interviewed a few former members when writing No Bone Zone

It didn't take very long to discover the connection between the cult and this particular group. Like most cults, the group catered to damaged people, most of which were either going through an existential crisis, had recently experienced a major negative life-changing event, had a troubled childhood, were struggling to meet partners (especially men searching for women), or were desperate to experience a sense of belonging. The group leaders would pick up on these weaknesses and exploit them to draw the people closer. A few ex-members of the cult explained that was the process used to sell workshops and other such financial exploitation. 

Normally I'm a pretty calloused dude when it comes to other people and the consequences of their bad decisions. I'm usually of the "If these dudes are stupid enough to buy this bullshit, they deserve to have their lives driven into the ground" mindset. 

But this was different. Based on my own past experiences and the shared experiences of a lot of the SDMC members, I knew a lot of these dudes were doing what they were doing because they could not see an alternative. In most cases, they lived their lives in a way that led to a shit-ton of pain and hardship and this group WAS their alternative. They failed to understand there are a myriad of alternatives. Like any good cult, this particular group heavily censored dissent under the guise of "language policing", which is just a form of virtue-gilded oppression.

So What Makes These Men So Vulnerable?

In short, the vast majority of the men that stuck around more than a day or two simply did not know how to be a man. In many cases, they were raised by single mothers and had zero masculine male role models. In a few cases, they had been badly burned by women. That includes painful break-ups, divorce-rape (occurs when the woman gets the house, lots of alimony, child support, and custody of the kids), or having been the victim of female emotional of physical abuse. These men had little or no emotional resiliency; even the lightest teasing was taken as an aggressive attack. They had little or no understanding of male social hierarchies. They had little or no ability to explain, understand, or predict female behavior. That extended to having no concept of the antecedents of female desire and arousal. They also had little or no ability to objectively measure if their participation in the group was helping them or making their life worse. All of these behaviors were encouraged and enabled by the senior members of the group.

The real hook, though, had to do with the original reason the cult showed up on my radar in the first place - they give desperate men access to vagina. If there was one common denominator that tied all the long-term male members together, it would be their repeated failures with women. As much as we like to deny it, our primal drive for sex is our species' most easily exploitable weakness. And this group does just that.

Okay, So How Do Men Avoid The Cult Trap?

Before I go farther, it's important to note that, at the end of the day, I really do not care if dudes get wrapped up in batshit-crazy cults. It's the same approach I take with converting beta males - I don't help people that don't want to help themselves. And I do not care what other people do if it has no direct impact on my life. Having said that, I do feel a twinge of social responsibility to plant seeds for the dudes that may currently or will some day look for different, probably better answers.

Anyway, I digress. 

In theory, a man that is actively trying to get better at being a man (our definition of "masculinity") SHOULD be pretty damn resilient to the allure of cults. In this specific case, the cult ropes men in based on a promise of access to women, though they're really just used as human sex toys (the practice is based on the woman receiving pleasure while the dude just gets blue balls.) A man SHOULD be living his life based on his mission, not living his life to seek out (or give pleasure to) women. 

Also, a man that is actively trying to get better at being a man SHOULD be skeptical of anything and everything they encounter, especially the stuff that seems to make the most sense. In other words, men never develop unconditional love for any one particular belief or idea. They're always searching for better answers. As such, they adopt an incredibly skeptical view of anyone claiming to be a "guru" of any sort. They understand they know themselves a million times better than anyone else, therefore they're in the best position to measure the outcomes of any given idea.

How about specifics? Here are eight things all men should be doing:

  1. Always ask for empirical evidence. This is something this particular cult could not provide. Several of us repeatedly asked for any supporting empirical evidence that the ideas tossed around in the group actually worked. Peer-reviewed meta-analyses that are supported by a large consensus of scientists is the ideal, but any data is better than no data.
  2. Always ask for reports of objective results. If we're going to make our lives better, we need to measure the objective outcomes of our decisions. If we're going to test an idea, it's wise to consult with those that have tried it before. If they cannot explain the objective results they're experienced, run. Run and don't look back. 
  3. Never trust people that censor language, ideas, or beliefs. This one's a no-brainer. Censorship is oppression, and will often be carried out under the guise of "protecting" people. It doesn't protect people. It controls people.
  4. Never fully trust people that are selling you shit. They have a vested interest in compelling you to think a particular way. 
  5. Surround yourself with diverse, cynical assholes. Curating a large group of cynical assholes may be one of my crowning life achievements. My group of real-life and social media friends have no problem speaking their mind whenever I throw out new ideas. Since they're such a diverse group (politically, socially, from different religions, racially, different ages, etc.) I can always count on getting feedback from all kinds of different angles. 
  6. Don't take advice from women about anything related to masculinity. This one is tough for a lot of dudes. Most men are pretty desperate for female affirmation (usually in the form of access to pussy.) Logically, it makes sense. Want women? Ask women what they want. There's two problems with this. First, there's a disconnect between what women think arouses them and what actually arouses them (which is supported by... you guessed it, empirical data.) Second, the woman you ask is going to be biased. If she's into you, she'll be all over you and you won't have a chance to ask the question. If she's not into you, she's sexually repulsed by you and will give you advice to get you away from her because she doesn't want to lead you on. 
So there you have it - six methods to help inoculate you from being that weak man that gets roped into a cult. Hopefully it'll help some dudes that might fall prey to their predatory practices. If you think you might be in a cult or susceptible to cults, just start making the appropriate life changes. Start developing an attitude of self-experimentation and surround yourself with that diverse group of assholes. In short - learn how to stop being a weak man. 

Edit - Some have asked what happened with the group. They booted me out. Asking questions and challenging ideas are dangerous to those who have an agenda that demands blind allegiance. 


Sunday, September 13, 2015

"My Wife Won't Do That, But She Did With Her Ex. Why?!?"

Today we're going to talk about an exceedingly common scenario that occurs in modern relationships. A man will display classic beta characteristics in a relationship (failing to pass shit tests, placating, supplicating, being indecisive, placing her on a pedestal, doing "Nice Guy" behaviors, getting fat, etc.) This causes his wife to lose respect for him, forces her to take the leadership role in the relationship, and subsequently lose all sexual interest in him. The couple typically go from a relatively active sex life during the honeymoon period to infrequent, lame maintenance sex. In this scenario, the dude will usually beg and plead to add sexual variety to their routine (different positions, oral, anal, whatever.) She will always refuse.

At some point, the beta dude will get some insight to her sexual past (usually from her friends) and find out she did all kinds of kinky shit with exes (or with one night stands.) The beta husband will be understandably furious she was willing to do shit with their exes but are now refusing to do them with him. A typical and classic real-life example of this situation can be found here

So What's Going On?

The explanation for this concept is quite simple - her exes were significantly more sexually arousing than the beta husband. She's an alpha widow. As arousal increases, inhibitions decrease and passion increases. She's had the taste of that dominant, sexually assertive alpha, and the gentle tender overly-emotional smothering from her beta husband simply doesn't trigger the same desire. Instead of feeling a strong desire to please her sexual partner, she's repulsed by him.

Unfortunately, the beta male instinctively know this, it's just hard for him to admit on a conscious level. He can feel her reluctance. He can feel the disgust when they try to kiss her. He can sense her aversion to his body. He knows she's having sex out of a sense of obligation; to keep him minimally satisfied. He may genuinely love him, she just doesn't want to have sexual contact with him. She's fulfilling a duty, not voluntarily giving in to her desire

The weird thing about this phenomenon is that women rarely understand why their beta husbands eventually repulse them sexually. On paper, they should be their perfect prince. Nice, caring, attentive, showers her with attention and gifts, will drop anything the second she calls... it's like he fell straight out of a Disney movie. But he doesn't give her the tingles. It's such a problem, doctors have given it a name and drug companies are developing drugs to solve the problem. Maybe I'm too much of a liberal hippie, but the idea that we're pathologizing a lack of female desire AND giving them drugs as the solution seems... I don't know... vaguely oppressive. 

What's a Better Solution?

The solution to this problem is actually rather simple. He needs to learn to be an alpha in the relationship. If he wants his wife to do the things she did in her past, she needs you to become a man that can arouse her like her past alpha conquests. He could keep doing what he's done in the past and use guilt, shame, begging, pleading, or whining to manipulate her into more frequent, kinky sex, but it's not going to be genuine. He could drug her with the new female Viagra, thus becoming the kind of guy that needs to drug her to get sex (sounds rapey, doesn't it?) He could just find a new woman that, for a while, will give him the affection and honeymoon sex he craves.

Or he could take on the challenge of becoming a man.

Given all the options, I would strongly advise dudes take that last option. How? Read through our "essential reading" section and join our San Diego Man Camp Facebook group (sorry ladies, it's a male-only group.) 


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Married Dude Advice: If You Skip These Steps, Going Alpha Will Fail

One of the major goal of the San Diego Man Camp project is to help guys get better at navigating relationships. For single guys, this is pretty straight-forward. For guys in relationships, it gets a little tricky. If you've already established yourself as a beta male, you can't just flick the "alpha" switch and expect her to happily go along. Suddenly becoming more dominant and assertive and demand respect, without the appropriate priming, will likely make bad relationships worse.

The key - you have to establish the subtle aspects of being a man before you bust out the more overt behaviors. You have to earn her respect first. I call this stage the "priming" stage. To do that, follow these simple steps:

Step One: Get off your lazy ass and get in shape. Odds are good you're kinda fat. Get naked. Look in a full-length mirror. If you were a women, would you want to fuck you? If not, get to work. Start lifting, eat less (and cut out the junk food), and add in a sprinkling of cardio. 

Step Two: Dress better. This is tied to getting fit. The better you look, the better people respond to you. The better people respond to you, the more confidence you develop. It creates a really effective feedback loop.

Step Three: Learn to rein in your negative emotions. If you lose your temper, whine, cry, complain, mope, or any other such behavior, you're doing it wrong. Unless something truly tragic happens, save those emotions for your male-only groups. Alphas learn to control their emotions instead of letting their emotions control them. To do this, study stoicism or meditation. For mediation, I highly recommend Dan Harris' book.

Step Four: Protect her. Make her feel safe and secure. The more anxiety a woman feels, the less she's going to enjoy life. 

Step Five: Gain the respect of those around you. How your extended family, friends, coworkers, and other acquaintances view you matters. If they do not respect you, your wife cannot respect you. Earn their respect.

Step Six: Increase your income. If you're unemployed or under-employed, correct that as soon as possible. Being a provider is one side of the hypergamy coin and plays an important role in the attraction she feels for you.

This stage often takes a significant amount of time depending on how many of these traits you possessed before the relationship or in the early stages of the relationship. In most cases, it might take a few months up to a year to get to the point where you're ready to move on to the point of asserting yourself as the leader of the relationship. When you can pass the "Alpha Test" I describe my post on hacking female ovulation, you're probably ready.


Sunday, August 30, 2015

Can't Get That Guy to Commit? Here's the Trick, Ladies

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation on my Facebook wall about guys that do not commit. The discussion was based around this article where one friend is chastising another for hooking up with a dude that's not interested in commitment. She then claimed to not criticize hookup culture, then went on a long diatribe about hookup culture and how it has replaced "dating."

Here's the deal, ladies. As I explained in the Ladder Theory post, dudes have two ladders they place women on - the "Marriage Material" ladder and the "Fuckable" ladder. Generally speaking, almost all women land on the "Fuckable" ladder by default. Give a dude some alcohol and privacy (nobody finds out) and our "fuckable" standards typically drop pretty low, especially for a one-night stand. Slightly higher value females may become fuck-buddies (meet up for sex on an ongoing basis) If the woman is somewhat higher value (fun and/or decently hot), he may desire a friends with benefits arrangement (meet up for sex and nonsexual things, but avoid exclusivity and a deep emotional connection.)

Generally speaking, most higher value dudes (alphas) are going to resist committing to women because they have options. Their abundance mentality gives them the freedom of being able to wait to commit until a very high value woman comes along. This is why they resist committing to one-night stands, fuckbuddies, or friends with benefits... they're just not good enough relative to the caliber of women that one particular dude can attract.

The problem the author of the Elite Daily article seemed to ignore is the fact that women aren't simply entitled to have access to exclusive relationships with high value men. The comments from my Facebook discussion echoed this "entitlement" sentiment. Some women seemed to be genuinely offended (with one even tossing out a "misogyny" claim) at the idea that men can and do reject women because they're not good enough. Believe it or not, guys have standards. The standards for "willing to have sex with this woman" are significantly lower than "willing to commit to this woman", and that entry into relationships is controlled by men. 

The rule: Women control access to sex; men control access to relationships. 

Saying women are entitled to relationships with any men they want is essentially the same as saying men are entitled to sex with any woman they want. Creepy, right? It's just as creepy when you ladies do it.


So what is a girl to do? Here are some options:

  1. Stay the same and lower your expectations. This is the strategy this lady is using (thanks Onion!) This is the easiest "lazy" solution as it doesn't require any actual self-improvement. Simply stop chasing high value guys. Given the nature of the sexual market, any woman will be able to find a man willing to commit as long as she has low enough standards. If that's not acceptable, the other option is to...
  2. Improve yourself. If you're not happy with the quality of men you can attract, the only solution is to make yourself better. The general rule - the lower the commitment, the higher value guy you can attract. It looks like this:
In other words, the lower the commitment, the higher the value of the male a woman can attract. When a woman improves herself, she improves her ability to attract higher value males at all points on the graph above. What exactly do women need to "improve" to attract a higher value mate? If you're interested in a low or no-commitment relationship (just sex), improvement should focus on becoming more physically attractive and be more overtly sexual. If you're interested in securing a higher value male for a long-term relationship, improve physical attractiveness and be more overtly sexual, but also work on the personality traits of exuding trust, loyalty, admiration, and respect. Basically work on the things men want in a high value woman. Specific dudes may have other qualities they're searching for, but these are the universals that'll work for all men.

Female Objection

These discussions get a little weird because a lot of women really oppose the idea that a woman should have to improve to "land a man." That's the reason I mentioned option #1. Women shouldn't have to improve to land a man. However, if you're unhappy with your prospects OR are hooking up with a dude that is resisting commitment, improving yourself is the only solution. 

As an example, the woman pictured on the left would have a lot more options after she became more fit in the picture on the right.

The woman on the left is attractive enough to get a lot of guys that would be interested in sex, but the higher value dudes would pass on any sort of commitment. After improving fitness, she would be able to attract higher value dudes willing to have sex, but more importantly, she would be able to get MUCH higher dudes that would be willing to commit to her. Hard work pays off.

Spend Time Improving the Things that Matter

Women sometimes fall into a trap of believing they have to improve qualities that simply don't matter all that much. As I discussed in this post, things like status, power, and wealth rarely if ever increase a female's value on the sexual market. In fact, it may even be harmful. This is a concept that hasn't been researched enough to fully understand, but high-earning women end up less satisfied in relationships and divorce more frequently. 

I don't think this trend is a good thing. From a logical standpoint, it doesn't feel "right" that a woman hurts her opportunities in relationships by improving her socioeconomic status, but it is what it is. My hope - once we drop the silly idea that gender roles are social constructs and not biologically-mandated, we can start exploring the real dynamics behind this phenomenon. 

Anyway, if you want to improve the caliber of men you can attract and get to commit, it requires improving yourself. If you're overweight, lose weight by eating less and moving more. Dress in more flattering, stylish clothes. Hone your cosmetics application skills. Study seductive feminine posture, body language, and communication patterns. Hone your flirting skills. If you're interested in a relationship, get better at the things men are looking for in a high value mate. None of this is easy, which is the reason so few women ever try. But hard work pays off.

Have a question or comment? Leave it in the comments section!


Monday, August 24, 2015

Beta Relationships and Marriage Part Four: Fixing the Lifetime Beta Marriage

In the first post of the series, I introduced the four types of beta relationships. In the second post, I talked about how to spice up boring but otherwise healthy marriages. In the third post, I discussed fixing relationships where the dude was once an alpha, but she tamed him into a passive beta. Both of those scenarios aren't all that serious and the fix is fairly easy.

Today's relationship pattern is a little more complex. And a lot harder to "fix." What happens when a dude has been a beta his entire life, entered into a relationship as a beta, and has continued that beta trend? Before we get to the discussion on relationships, let's explore exactly what we mean by a "beta."

In the San Diego Man Camp, we've started using the following operational definitions for the terminology we use:

  • "Bad Boy" = male that causes women to release dopamine (and norepinepherine and endorphines... makes women excited and euphoric) in their presence, thus is exciting and sexually arousing. The problem with bad boys is they have little or no desire to commit to a long-term monogamous relationship. Bad Boys tend to be male sluts.
  • "Beta Male" = male that causes a woman to release oxytocin in their presence, which emotionally bonds women to their men and is the basis of committed pair-bonding. Beta men also produce large amounts of vasopressin, which bonds them to their mate and makes them ignore other women (produces loyalty.) Beta males do not sexually arouse women. I describe beta males in detail here, explain my own beta experiences here, and explain why betas have so much trouble changing despite repeated failure here.
  • "Alpha Male" = male that causes a woman to release dopamine (and the other neurotransmitters) AND oxytocin AND release enough vasopressin in their own brains to remain monogamous. These are men that have the opportunity to cheat because they're desirable, have the desire to cheat because they embrace their sexuality, but choose not to out of a sense of loyalty. 
  • "Gamers" = males that do not produce dopamine OR oxytocin in women. In other words, they tend to repulse women. These are the males that never score with women. Ever. They're usually low value AND lack the social skills or socioeconomic status to attract even very low value women. Most people call these men "Omega Males", but I chose gamers because it seemed to hit an amusing nerve among some people that play video games. As a general rule, if I find out I exposed an irrational nerve that causes people to get overly defensive, I like to poke at that nerve. Repeatedly. :-)

Global Betas versus Situational Betas

Sometimes men are "betas" in every art of their lives; sometimes they're "betas" only around women. In the case of the former, fixing the problem is a little more time-consuming because there's no frame of reference. These men are always searching for affirmations from others, avoid risks, cannot take criticism, tends to be needy and overly emotional, and has a tendency to use guilt and shame to manipulate others. 

In the case of the latter, learning to be "alpha" is usually simply a matter of doing what you do outside relationships inside relationships. When they're not dealing with women, these men are confident, assertive, and decisive. With women, they exhibit all the beta traits listed above and in the linked posts.

Most of the guys that fit this scenario fall into a predictable pattern. Most did not have a strong male role model to display masculine traits. They were raised by single moms or by fathers that had strong beta tendencies. At some point on their youth, they failed to learn about the nature of women. In many cases, they learned about "what women want" from women themselves. As a result, they place women on a pedestal and treat them like princesses instead of, well, people. They are willing to do anything and everything for women because they believe women will then reciprocate and meet all their needs. In essence, they believe they can put "niceness" coins in and get sex and love in return. 

The women that initiate relationships with betas meet pretty pretty predictable criteria. In our modern American society, the vast majority of these women have passed "the wall" (the point where they become aware that their sexual market value is decreasing) and realize they can no longer attract Alpha Males for commitment. They can still land Bad Boys, but they have no desire to commit. As such, they "grow tired of games" (which is code for "these bad boys refuse to be monogamous with me") and go through a process of "maturing." 

That causes them to look for the opposite of the fun and exciting (and sexually arousing) Bad Boy - the beta male. The woman appeals to the beta because, in his mind, his "nice guy" game finally paid off. He finally beat the "alpha assholes" that have been stealing his crushes since puberty. Alas, it's just an illusion. Once the honeymoon period wears off, she will fall into the beta wife trap and their relationship will meet a predictable end

So How is the Problem Solved?

Most of the guys in this scenario follow a very predictable "Nice Guy" pattern which is exceptionally hard to overcome, especially quickly. This is going to be a long, slow process. Also, there's less of a guarantee the beta wife will want to be with him if he makes these changes. Actually, it's more likely HE will increase his value enough to start attracting the attention of much higher value females and he'll be tempted to seek out greener pastures. This effect is slightly negated by the "passive dread game effect" where women will sense her mate's new-found popularity with the opposite sex and begin giving him advertising sex AND start increasing her own value. 

Sidebar - a lot of guys ask me for ideas to convince their wives to do all kinds of things, the two most common being "lose weight and exercise" and "initiate/ be more passionate/ have fewer inhibitions when having sex." The simplest method - increase your own value

Okay, so what's the process to make this situation better? Like the other scenarios, education is going to play a major role in the transformation. Unlike the other scenarios, this is a difficult journey if you're going solo. You'll have A LOT more success if you have a mentor or mentors that has been through the process. If you don't know any reformed betas, check out our Facebook page. Most of us have are are going through this process; it's an excellent resource for support and guidance. 

These posts provide a good framework for the rest of the reading you'll be doing. Once you get through these posts, read the following books in this order. They will provide a more in-depth analysis of the things discussed in my posts above.

  • No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. For the career beta, this is a requirement because it's really important to see how the "supplicating" dynamic usually works. Until you recognize how and why you do beta behaviors, you will not be able to overcome them.
  • The entire Women, Explained series - This will give you an understanding of female behavior, along with the conventions we use in SDMC.
  • Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay - This is THE primer that provides a framework for healthy relationship. 
  • The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi - Rollo gives a more in-depth analysis of female behaviors.
  • The Sex God Method by Danial Rose - An unconventional sex manual that covers the issue of dominance, which is largely ignored in other sex books.
  • The Way of Men by Jack Donovan - This book explores the nature of "masculinity", which is critical in helping the reforming beta act more like a man.
  • Rules of the Game by Neil Strauss - This is a pickup artist book, which will help the career beta learn the basics of being able to pick up women. This is critical to break the belief that women are a scare commodity, which is the reason the beta desperately clings to their wives or girlfriends. Knowing you have options is the single biggest source of natural confidence you can have.
  • Linchpin by Seth Godin - This book will help you understand what a "life mission" actually means.

Once you've digested all of these sources, you'll have an excellent frame of reference to a) identify your beta behaviors, b) understand why they're causing damage, and c) have effective alternatives. Odds are good your relationship is in a precariously bad spot. She does not respect you or find you attractive. One or both of you may have considered or is actively having an affair. You may either fight frequently or live in a state of perpetual apathy. You're more like roommates than lovers.

If you're reading this, I'm working off the assumption that you're interested in saving the relationship. In many cases, this happens because divorce may break up the family (if you have kids) or both of you may take a significant lifestyle hit if you lose your combined income. However, there's a chance SHE may not be interested in continuing the relationship. In the alpha-turned-beta situation I discussed in the last post, her first impression of him was that of an "alpha." When he starts improving, she's getting the man she fell for at the beginning of the relationship. When a dude starts as a beta, it's really hard to change that initial impression. He's becoming a fundamentally different man. Most women would love that change, but some are too insecure and need their men to act like whipped dogs. 

Be aware that this process will make your life better, but that "better" may mean your current relationship ends. For the beta male, that's a terrifying thought. However, the new you will attract far more valuable women. If she doesn't want you, it's her loss. So... the process:

  1. Find a mentor that has underwent a similar process. 
  2. Find a life mission to focus on that is NOT your wife or family. Mark Manson wrote an excellent article that can help with this step, as will "Linchpin." This will help make the transition from making women the focus of your life to women being a compliment to your life. This mental paradigm shift is absolutely critical for recovering betas.
  3. Start increasing your value by self-improvement, including getting fit (lift weights, lose fat), learning better posture, eye contact, and body language, dressing better, and increasing confidence. It's important to do this in every situation, not just around your wife. Initially, this will seem really difficult and it may take a while to work up the courage to do anything. However, once you get the smallest taste of success, you'll feel empowered. You'll begin to see that your previous belief that people hate alphas was completely wrong. People love alphas, and they'll respond favorably to your alpha behaviors. Those successes create a vicious cycle of awesomeness and will fuel future progress.
  4. Actively make decisions that will lead to greater levels of testosterone. Testosterone is masculinity. It makes us sexual, dominant, competitive, and assertive. It is what makes us attractive to women. Many beta men fear their testosterone, which leads to beta behaviors. 
  5. Start standing up for yourself and set very clear expectations for how you expect her to treat you, along with clear consequences if she crosses a boundary. This step is very clear as it will begin rebuilding respect. For the beta, this will likely be a long process with a lot of failures. That's to be expected; you're changing a lifelong pattern of behavior. Once she starts respecting you more, attraction will follow soon after.
  6. Start making more decisions, passing all shit tests, and initiating sex. When having sex, use the lessons from The Sex God Method
  7. Start planning and executing fun stuff on a regular basis. 
  8. Maintain occasional beta behaviors, especially during the non-ovulatory days of her menstrual cycle. This serves two purposes - first, it decreases the frequency of her attempts to kill the "alpha" you're rebuilding. Second, it actually increases her attraction to you because alphas that know when and how to effectively use beta techniques are the highest value males.

As you can see, the process is fundamentally the same as the other situations, only the time frame changes. The first two scenarios can usually be rectified in a few months. This process? It may take anywhere from six months to several years. It took me over a decade to complete this process, but I had zero guidance, had no idea what the end goal looked like, and did everything via trial and error. If I would have had these resources at my fingertips, I could have saved years and years of struggle and have spent a lot more time actually enjoying life. Helping others save time in this process is the reason I do what I do here.

Anyway, in the next post, we'll tackle the most challenging scenario - The Graveyard Marriage. These are beta marriages that are essentially hanging by a thread and one or both people are desperate to save it but have zero answers. Hopefully the next post will give those folks a glimmer of hope.


Sunday, August 23, 2015

Beta Relationships and Marriage Part Three: Fixing the "Tamed Alpha" Marriage

In the initial post in the series, I covered the four types of "beta relationships." In the second part, I explored a method to fix the "boring marriage" type of relationship. In this post, I'll cover situations where a woman married an alpha male, but the alpha slowly (or quickly) fell into complete beta behaviors like deferring all decisions to her, allowing her to bitch and nag, doing everything she asks, and all the other beta behaviors that turn vaginas into the Sahara Desert. 

Before we get to the solution to the problem, it's important to explain how and why this happens. In evolutionary terms, hypergamy dictates women have two sexual strategies - they search for superior genetics (alpha male) and a loyal, trusting provider (beta male.) Ideally, they would find this in one extremely high-value man (strong, dominant alpha with the relationship skills to use beta behaviors when appropriate.) Those men are rare, especially in today's society. These men do not require "taming" because they already have the requisite skills. Women will still try to extinguish their alpha skills, but these men usually have the confidence to resist said attempts. Unless a woman is very high value herself (young, hot, smart, funny, appreciative, respectful, etc.), she's going to have to settle for less.

The next most desirable tier are the "bad boy" alphas. Since they don't have the requisite "beta" skills, the woman will try extra-hard to "fix" him. This is pretty much universal, all women do it. I give a little more info on the exact reasons for this in this Sexpressionists post. These are the men that usually fall into this trap. They were dominant alphas when they met their lady, but soon went full-on beta.

This relationship suffers the decreased frequency of sex, along with a decrease in quality. Odds are good the female has also lost respect for the dude, and probably isn't especially attracted to him, either. He tries to remedy the situation by doing nice things for her, buying flowers and lingerie, or doing chores around the house, yet everything seems to make the situation worse. It never occurs to this dude that the solution is to simply return to the alpha she fell for in the beginning. 

The good news is the dude has already established his position as an "alpha" with her initial assessment of him. This means he doesn't really have to reinvent himself; he merely has to rediscover what once was in her eyes

The bad news is that change isn't really an option if he wants the relationship to remain viable and mutually-fulfilling. If he maintains the status quo, his wife will suffer the fate of being married to a beta male and their relationship will fall into the incredibly common 21st century marriage pattern

So How is the Problem Solved?

Like the "boring marriage" solution I discussed in the last post, this solution is relatively straight-forward. Since the dude was once an alpha, he has the foundation. Odds are good he allowed himself to go beta because he believed that's just the way you do long-term relationships. Most guys don't make the intuitive connection that their woman's behavior is often predicated by their behaviors. Had they maintained their alpha frame, their relationship would most likely be perfectly fine. 

So... the first step is understanding women. Read the following posts:

The follow-up reading is going to be very similar, too. Read:

The actual stages of fixing this relationship is very similar to the "boring marriage", only it's going to take at least two or three times as long.

  1. Increase your value by self-improvement, including getting fit (lift weights, lose fat), learning better posture, eye contact, and body language, and increasing confidence.
  2. Stand up for yourself and set very clear expectations for how you expect her to treat you, along with clear consequences if she crosses a boundary. This step is very clear as it will begin rebuilding respect. Attraction will follow soon after.
  3. Start making decisions, passing all shit tests, and initiating sex. When having sex, use the lessons from The Sex God Method. 
  4. Start planning and executing fun stuff on a regular basis.
  5. Maintain occasional beta behaviors, especially during the non-ovulatory days of her menstrual cycle. This serves two purposes - first, it decreases the frequency of her attempts to kill the "alpha" you're rebuilding. Second, it actually increases her attraction to you because alphas that know when and how to effectively use beta techniques are the highest value males.
  6. Join our San Diego Man Camp Facebook group to share ideas.
This scenario isn't especially "dangerous" in that the relationship is at a critical phase, nor is she likely to put up much resistance. After all, it was the alpha she fell in love with. She will be overjoyed to get that alpha back. 

In the next post, we'll tackle the more serious issue of the "lifetime beta" marriage. These are the relationships where a woman with value that's trending downward finds she can no longer get the high value alphas to commit but she still needs a provider to start a family. It'll be a little more in-depth discussion because the risks are far greater. Not only does the beta have to completely reformat his entire persona, but his wife might not be all that keen on him dramatically raising his sexual market value.


Saturday, August 22, 2015

Beta Relationships and Marriage Part Two: Fixing the Boring Marriage

In Part One of the series, I discussed the four common beta relationship patterns that occur in modern American society. In this post, I'll discuss a solution for the "boring marriage."

This pattern is exceedingly common in modern relationships to the point where it might even be considered the norm.In this scenario, the sex may not be as passionate or as frequent as it once was. The deep, fascinating conversations the couple once had may be replaced by discussions about the shopping list for the Friday evening trip to the grocery store. "Date nights" consist of the same boring "dinner and a movie" activities. There may be some bickering and nagging, but the disagreements are minor and quickly forgotten or resolved. Neither partner is looking outside the relationship for excitement (yet), but they also don't seem to have good answers to spicing things up.

Fundamentally, this relationship pattern develops because we tend not to understand the nature of female desire, the role men play in stoking that desire, or how passion and intimacy really work. Pop culture does not help as pretty much every piece of conventional "advice" tends to make the problem worse.

So How is the Problem Solved?

Luckily, relationship boredom is easy to fix once you understand a handful of concepts and follow some easy steps. Let's start with the concepts:

Once you understand these basics, I would recommend reading: 

Once you've read through all the material, you'll have a firm grasp on all the basics needed to refresh your relationship.

  1. Increase your value by self-improvement, including getting fit (lift weights, lose fat), learning better posture, eye contact, and body language, and increasing confidence.
  2. Start making decisions, passing all shit tests, and initiating sex. When having sex, use the lessons from The Sex God Method.
  3. Start planning and executing fun stuff on a regular basis.
  4. Join our San Diego Man Camp Facebook group to share ideas.
That's it. There's not a whole lot needed for this scenario; it's just a matter of learning what really keeps the spark alive, then doing it.

In the next post, we'll discuss the slightly more serious relationship scenario where a former Alpha male has been "tamed" into being a beta by his woman.

Click here for part three of the series.


Friday, August 21, 2015

Beta Relationships and Marriage Part One: The Four Patterns of Shitty Beta Relationships

Most modern relationships that encounter trouble can usually be defined based on the male's behavior. This isn't to say the male is to blame, per se, but the male usually has the power to lead any given relationship in a healthy direction or an unhealthy direction. In this series, I'll touch on four of the most common patterns and give suggestions on fixing the relationship.

The Way Relationships Used to Be

Prior to the sexual revolution in the 60's, marriage was pretty much a lifelong contract. It was defined by a sense of duty, obligation, and sacrifice. It was difficult to get out due to the legal landscape and social consequences of divorce stigma. This security meant both members of a couple could expend energy doing things other than continually "working on the relationship." Since premarital sex and infidelity were seriously frowned upon, partners had little choice but to make the relationship work sexually. This arrangement, while limiting in freedom, did result in stability and general relationship happiness.

The Way Relationships are Today

With the advent of loosened sexual mores and the introduction of no-fault divorce, marriage moved from an expected lifelong commitment to more of a temporary arrangement. The expectations on each partner changed as the sense of duty, obligation, and sacrifice was replaced with an entitlement of subjective "happiness." Relationships were no longer based on creating and developing a safe harbor for families to raise children. Instead, relationships are now based on emotional connections. Couples stay married as long as they're "in love." When one or both partners fall out of love, the marriage typically ends. This sets up a pattern where both partners have to continually work to keep the other fulfilled and satisfied.

Many people object to this transformation of marriages on moral grounds. Others object on practical grounds. Both of these groups usually support rolling back the clock to the days when relationships were "for life." Me? Since it's unlikely this pattern is going to change in the near (or distant) future, I prefer to embrace it.

Any time we increase our freedoms, it increases our potential to make bad decisions. Sadly, the increase in sexual freedom seems to have done just that. The most striking bad decision seems to be male behavior. Back in the day, most men acted like men. We'd call them "alphas." Most men also had enough loyalty, trust, and integrity (beta traits) to successfully lead relationships. Today, most men deny their masculine urges and act more like women. Since they seem to fear taking a leadership role in the relationship, they defer to their wives and girlfriends. They are "beta" males. Betas typically fall into one of four predictable relationship patterns.

The Four Patterns

Each of the four patterns are defined by specific characteristics. All four are fairly broad generalizations as it's hard to encapsulate the entirety of the human experience into four discrete categories. However, the patterns will provide a framework for making plans to improve the situations, which is my primary goal.

The Boring Marriage

The boring marriage is an otherwise good relationship other than it's gotten a little too routine. Both partners still love each other and are strongly committed to the relationship. In many cases, this occurs after the honeymoon period when the stress of work and family start taking their toll. In this scenario, both partners probably share the power in the relationship as opposed to the man deferring power to the woman.

Since this relationship is relatively healthy, usually all that's needed is for the man to take a more dominant role, understand the passion and intimacy paradox, understand female behavior better, and lead her to more exciting adventures. This was the premise of my last book "No Bone Zone." Women in this scenario almost always enthusiastically welcome the change and are unlikely to put up resistance. 

The Tamed Alpha Marriage

The "Tamed Alpha" relationship occurs when an alpha male enters a relationship, develops ONEitits (she's a special one-of-a-kind irreplaceable unicorn!), and places her on a pedestal. In other words, he turns into a spineless, supplicating beta. This is another pretty common pattern, especially since women are naturally going to try to "tame" their men to increase their loyalty and trust. In the TV show "Sons of Anarchy", Jax and Tara would be an example of this phenomenon. 

This scenario is a little more serious because she thought she was marrying a dude that sexually aroused her (and released lots of dopamine in her brain), but his inability to pass her shit tests caused his value to plummet.Women lose respect for men that can't stand up to them, and that leads to the fairly predictable "21st century marriage" phenomenon

Since the power balance is shifted heavily in favor of the woman, she may or may not welcome the change. Odds are good she does not like wearing the pants in the relationship, but she also enjoys the perks of always getting her way. As such, the process to fix this situation requires a little more patience and tact. Since the dude had set "alpha" as the default first impression, he just has to reaffirm that role. THAT is far easier than...

The Lifetime Beta Marriage

This occurs when a man has been a lifelong beta across most situations, and his woman entered into the relationship with him framed as a beta provider (read up on hypergamy to understand the alpha fucks/ beta bucks sexual strategy women use.) The development of these relationships are incredibly predictable. The woman likely spent her early 20's partying and casually dating, reached the point where she realized her ability to attract high value males is decreasing, attempts to get an alpha male to commit, fails, then looks for the best beta male provider she can find. Hormonal birth control may contribute to this factor. All of this occurs under the rationalization of "maturing." 

In this scenario, the man basically becomes the "bumbling husband" stereotype made famous by the likes of Homer Simpson, Ray Romano, and Peter Griffin. The woman typically plays the role of "Super Mom" and runs the entire household. The husband is treated like another kid. The wife is constantly nagging and belittling the husband, and he is completely unwilling to stand up to her. He usually does this out of fear of "rocking the pussy boat" (she'll cut off sex.) Never mind all the sex they have is infrequent maintenance sex. He stays in the pattern because lifelong betas are suckers for intermittent reinforcement

The outcome of these relationships, if allowed to follow their natural course, end up in either both partners living in misery (with the wife getting the worst of it), or it will follow the typical 21st century marriage pattern.

Breaking out of this pattern is both difficult and somewhat dangerous. First, it requires a complete reformatting of the dude's personality, which takes effort, time, and a degree of resiliency. He REALLY has to want the change to be able to do the requisite work. Second, the dude will be turning into a FAR different person. From the woman's perspective, he'll be turning into a new but more exciting, arousing person, which is good. He will also be turning into a more desirable person. If she has insecurities, she will likely try to sabotage this effort. She understands that his improvement will draw the attention of better females than her.

The Graveyard Marriage

This is the worst-case scenario. The relationship is in tatters and one or both partners are hanging on by a thread. They probably fight all the time, feel a great deal of resentment, one or both may have or be seriously considering an extramarital affair, or there have been multiple threats of divorce. This would be a relationship on about step 9 through 14 of the 21st century marriage graphic:

This pattern is almost always the result of the dude being a long-term beta and the relationship has been in a downward spiral since the honeymoon period ended. Shit has gotten so bad, the relationship may not be salvageable even if both people genuinely want it. In all the other scenarios, the damage is minimal and the "fixing" is more like relationship rehab. In this scenario, it's like running your hand through the blade of a deli meat slicer set on "extra thick." There's a whole lotta bleeding that has to be stopped before you can begin making things better.

The key point to this scenario - both people genuinely need to be willing to stick it out. If one or both of the people have already checked out, attempts to save the relationship will be futile and simply delay the inevitable. 

In the Next Post...

In the remaining posts in the series, I'll discuss each of these relationships in detail and offer a rough plan to fix the shit. No two relationships are the same, so the "plans" will be more like general guidelines that will require you to customize them to your particular situation.

Go to post #2 here.