Friday, July 31, 2015

Eleven Reasons Why Being a Beta Male Rocks!

Some people have complained that I'm too hard on beta males. I've been told I'm a "meanie" and "I don't respect beta males' feelings" and other such nonsense. Maybe, but the goal of the San Diego Man Camp (join our Facebook group here) project is to reform former betas, so you have to expect SOME tough love. After all, betas are usually betas because nobody's had the balls to point out their life strategy sucks.

Regardless, I thought it might be nice to write a post celebrating the virtues of being a beta male. In our "feel-good" culture where we like to celebrate anything and everything even if it has absolutely no merit, tossing some affirmations to our fallen brothers seems somehow appropriate. After all, I used to be a beta, and I'm intimately familiar with the psychological mechanism that keeps betas from actually making something better of their lives, so I have a little insight. With that in mind, here are eleven reasons being a beta male is awesome!

11. You don't have to make decisions. Being indecisive and unwilling to commit to one course of action is incredibly liberating. You never have to worry about making anyone unhappy, so you can be confident nobody will hate you. Sure, you rarely get your way, but it's a small price to pay for being a universally-liked people-pleaser.



10. You can let yourself go. Being a beta means people are going to expect you to not give a shit about your appearance. Scraggly hair, ripped t-shirts, sweatpants, Crocs, and a body fat percentage in the low thirties is a nice, low-maintenance style. Doesn't take much work. And that lack of any discernible muscle tone, doughy spare tire, and love handles? Rocking a dadbod is one of the best ways to land single moms that are looking for a paycheck soul mate to help raise their kids from another daddy!



9. Video games! Who said video games are just for kids? You grew up with video games; it's part of your heritage. The ability to improve yourself through diligent hard work to accomplish great things doesn't have to relegated to the real world. You can be a god in the virtual universe. All it takes is a lot of perseverance and the ability to overcome hardships... to level up.



8. You're not burdened with constant female attention. Let's face it, women can be a lot of work. They're time-consuming and always want to "flirt" or "go out on dates" or "have sex." It's far easier to admire women from afar without having to actually interact with them on a romantic level. Besides, if Jesus didn't want you to masturbate to the fantasy of all your female acquaintances, he wouldn't have given you a spank bank. Amitite?

7. Being a social justice warrior is easy as fuck. Back in the day, if you wanted to change the world, you actually had to get off your ass and DO something. Today, thanks to the Internet and social media, you can give the appearance of wanting to change the world without actually doing anything other than "raise awareness" by posting memes, articles from Salon and EliteDaily, and reacting with outrage over anything and everything that offends your pussified sensibilities. You can demand people change, engage in passive-aggressive arguments, call for boycotts and sign petitions, then just wait for the positive affirmations to roll in. All from the comfort of your mom's basement. Man, that Gandhi and Dr. King sure did a lot of unnecessary work!



6. You never have to worry about getting in a fight. Fighting can be dangerous. You might get hurt, and who likes pain? Being a beta allows you to completely avoid the possibility of ever getting into a physical confrontation. Now if only scientists would amend that whole "fight or flight" thing to also include "cower behind the women and children while curling up in the fetal position." With the advent of the Internet, this is doubly-good because you still get to pretend to be a badass from the safety of your keyboard.



5. When things go wrong, you never have to accept responsibility. When cruise ships run aground, nobody ever blames the boy that cleans the toilets. Not taking the lead assures you never have to take responsibility for bad shit. You can always blame someone else. Stuck in a dead-end job? Your wife is too materialistic. Too fat? Must be all those GMOs or gluten. Kids are disrespectful assholes? Probably that damn rap music. Wife cringes when you try to kiss her or constantly rejects your awkward begging for your monthly sex? She must have a medical condition, maybe female sexual arousal disorder. Who knows, big pharma might come through on that last one and finally make that female Viagra that'll allow beta males to drug their wives to feel any sort of sexual arousal towards them. Maybe that'll stop them from drooling over those hot alphas that make their panties wet. You can keep our fingers crossed, right betas?



4. Being in the friendzone gives you the opportunity to learn about female menstruation. When women see you as an asexual blob, they don't feel that sexual tension that normally drives them to be sexy and seductive. As a beta male, that gives you the opportunity to learn all kinds of interesting things about the fairer sex, like exactly how tampons work. Or the fact that girls fart just as much as guys. Or the fact that your "love of my life princess soul mate that just hasn't realized she has the perfect man right here" enthusiastically took it up the ass in the parking lot from a random dude she met in the bar the night before. Besides, self-respect and dignity are just "toxic masculinity" burdens placed on us betas by that oppressive patriarchy.



3. Your porn and masturbation habit assures porn actresses make a decent living. The recession has been tough on everyone, and the porn industry is no exception. Those girls gotta put food on the table, and nobody helps them out more than beta males! The advertising in the videos and on the websites depends on you clicking on their vids and rubbing one out multiple times per day. Not only does your raging porn habit assure you lose all desire to meet real women and have real sex, but it also helps put that girl through college. You, sir, deserve a good Samaritan award!



2. Rescuing women on the internet from men they're attracted to is fulfilling. White knighting is a time-honored vocation that's been around since about 1998. Those fragile damsels venture onto the Internet and have no idea how dangerous this world really is. The don't understand there are hot, sexy, confident guys with stable jobs that are just waiting to lure unsuspecting women into long-term mutually-fulfilling relationships. And those women that are just looking to hook up? Clearly they don't realize how damaged they are and how much they need you, the white knight beta male, to protect them from hot casual sex with fun dudes.



1. The seven year itch assures you'll get a new woman about once every decade. The absolute best part of being a beta male is the assurance that every relationship you enter will eventually end because your woman will stop finding you sexually attractive. You can ride that wave of a year or three of pretty decent, fairly regular sex, then just have to tolerate a few years of lame maintenance sex, maybe her cheating a few times, an emotionally-painful divorce, losing most of your possessions, having to pay alimony and child support, and surviving the crippling depression of knowing the woman you thought was your soul mate discarding you like a used condom. That's a small price to pay, though, because there's always another desperate woman out there that's looking for that passive beta male to pay the bills. It may take a few years to find her, but when you do, you'll get another year or three of decent, fairly regular sex before the cycle repeats itself. New pussy every decade! SCORE!


Thursday, July 30, 2015

A Few Simple "Value-Increasing" Hacks For Men

One of the idea behind the San Diego Man Camp project is improving the lives of our participants. Currently, we do that with open, honest discussions in our private, male-only Facebook group (feel free to join us; we welcome new members!), but will soon expand to include some workshops and other activities. Ultimately, we reject the idea that we're all special snowflakes and we can "just be ourselves" and all our dreams will come true.

Bullshit.

We have to work to get what we want, and the harder we work, the better the return. That entitled "I deserve great things without actually having to do the requisite hard work" mentality has polluted the minds of far too many men. I'm impatient, though. The planning of the workshops is incredibly time-intensive (see? Hard work.), but I'd like to give my readership a tidbit that'll start making a difference today.

Here are a few simple "hacks" men can use to increase your value on the sexual market. These tips will not only help you get dates (for the single dudes out there), but also help the attached dudes to be better men in their relationships. Don't care about ladies or sex? These tips will still help you socially and professionally. Whatever your life mission happens to be (except maybe those that aspire to be basement-dwelling gamers), these tips will help you out. So... here ya go:


  • Lift weights. In a society where about 74% of adult males are overweight or obese and fitness is considered physically attractive, being in that "fit" 1/4 of the male population is a HUGE advantage on the sexual market. Let's be honest - the ladies love muscles. Add in a diet that utilizes the principles of moderation and variation along with a little cardio, and you have the recipe to join an ever-shrinking elite class. 
  • Be confident. Confidence is sexy as fuck (in both men and women.) We currently live in a culture where the majority of men have a shit-ton of anxiety about women, which completely undermines confidence. The solution? Act confident. Even if it's just an act, practicing pseudo-confidence results in positive results, which then leads to the development of real confidence. 
  • Improve posture and body language. Most men today have horrible posture, which undermines how their body language is interpreted. Stand up and sit straight. Puff your chest out a bit. Don't cross your arms or hold shit in front of your body. Take up as much physical space as you can. Move and talk slower.
  • Master eye contact. The rule - the person that holds eye contact the longest is the most socially-dominant, and social dominance is the key to getting to the top value of the sexual market. When making eye contact, look from one eye to the next after two or three seconds. If it helps, count the other person's blinks. 
These four simple tweaks will dramatically increase your perceived attractiveness, your social ranking in any given group, or both. All four will definitely increase your value.

Generally speaking, becoming a better man involves improving your appearance, your social skills, your social status, your income, and your lifestyle (think "adventure-seeker" versus "gamer".) We tackle all of these in the SDMC, so this list is only intended to whet your appetite. 

Like these tips? Join our Facebook group for more!


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Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Frenemies and Girl Power! The Fickle Nature of Female Kinship

When I wrote my Women, Explained series over at my Sexpressionists blog, I didn't discuss intra-female relationship dynamics. Since I've received a few questions on the topic, I decided it was important enough to discuss here. Almost all questions center around a concept that's confusing to guys: Women appear to militantly support their fellow women at times, while also having a willingness to be frighteningly cruel to their fellow women at other times. What gives?

Men First


Before I explain female-female relationships, let's briefly explain male-male relationships. Men basically divide other men into two groups - men in their tribe and men outside their tribe. That "tribe" could be a family, group of friends, social club, community, sports team... whatever. Within our tribes, men rank themselves based on social status (the most alpha alpha is at the top and everyone else fills in appropriately.) Your standing in determined by all the other males in a fairly complicated but mostly unconscious ranking system that is contextual. An alpha in one environment won't necessarily be an alpha in other environments. 

The key - the ranking within that tribe is based on honor, or the respect you earn from the other men. Engaging in certain behaviors that help the tribe increase your status, whereas behaviors that hurt the tribe decrease your status. This system of rewards and punishments dictates a great deal of male behavior, and makes the honor of the tribe more important than an individual male's sexual strategy (how he attracts the highest value female he can attract.) This also explains why men create pretty clear, black-and-white "us versus them" dichotomies (modern example- think sports team.)

Okay, What About Women?


Women, by default, are going to support the cause of promoting female interests. This is the whole idea behind "You go, girl!" or the "Be a badass alpha woman!" articles from HuffPost Women and Salon. This is most evident when a female is attacked and scores of females come to her rescue. In fact, this is sort of the mechanism behind the entire feminist movement - women supporting other women. There's a clear loyalty women feel towards their own gender as a whole and it's rare for women to adopt that strong tribal in-group/ out-group bias men form.



This effect may be the default female setting, but it's easily overridden by a higher priority - a woman's individual sexual strategy. The rule: A woman will always act in a way that improves her ability to attract or retain the highest value male she can. That means the "girl power!" loyalty is only as strong as it's utilitarian purpose to supporting an individual woman's own mating pool. 

In other words, women cooperate with each other as long as their self-interests are NOT at stake, then compete with each other when their self-interests ARE at stake.

When that competitiveness is triggered, we see all sorts of "catty" behaviors where women ruthlessly attack other women. The methods used usually include building an alliance of multiple women to attack the woman that's deemed to be a threat, using name-calling (slut-shaming, fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, etc.), spreading rumors, back-stabbing, trying to redefine the standards of youth and beauty (hello, "all bodies are beautiful" articles!) to exclude the threat's most attractive characteristics, and the biggest gun in the arsenal - social exclusion. 

The point - that "girl power!" kinship disappears in an instant because a woman's social network is secondary to her reproductive prerogative. 

The Implications for Male/ Female Friendship



Over the last few weeks, we've had a few discussions in the San Diego Man Camp Facebook group (ask to join, dudes, we welcome new members), we've talked about male - female friendships, are they possible, and are the advisable? My official stance - sure! 

However, that comes with an important qualifier. Men really need to understand that women do not use the same "honor code" men use to regulate friendships. If a dude tells another dude a secret, he keeps it because revealing the secret dramatically lowers his status among the other males in his tribe. Women, on the other hand, have no such social penalty. Even if a female friend violates that trust code and is devalued in the eyes of the male friend, her social value does not drop. Because of that, self-disclosed personal information is essentially used as a tool by women. As soon as it can be used to advance her sexual value in some way, she'll use it. As such, I recommend men treat female friends like the Internet - Don't put anything out there you don't want the world to know. 

Implications for Beta Males and the Dreaded "Friendzone"


Beta males, almost without exception, really don't understand the "friendzone." For the uninitiated, this is what happens when a male expresses interest in a female but she does not reciprocate. To the guy, it seems like the woman is just giving mixed signals and may eventually come around after he demonstrates what a good friend he is. The woman, however, is being perfectly clear - she has no interest in the friendzoned dude because she believes, accurately or not, that she has better options. 

Her "niceness" isn't a sliver of opportunity that indicates she's sort-of interested. Her niceness is just that - niceness. She's just treating you as a friend. The key - females treat male friends just like female friends. There is no honor code; the friendship is secondary to her sexual strategy. This is what burns so many beta males - they have a crush on a girl and may even make it obvious, but she resists and eventually hooks up with another dude. In many cases, women will use the friendship with the beta male in a way that helps her land the dude. The beta is crushed and, in many cases, becomes bitter and resentful towards the woman. That's silly; her perceived slight happened because the beta dude applied his template of how male friendships work on her, then expected her to live up to his standard. 

Interestingly, beta males seem to pick up on this inherent instability of female friendships and apply it to their own male - male friendships. Beta males really don't "get" the system of honor that normally defines male friendships because, to them, friendships are merely a mechanism to indirectly aid them in getting what they cannot directly ask for or take. This is one of the reasons beta males don't have a lot of male friends - they don't trust other males because they think other males think just like them. The only reason beta males befriend women is in hopes of demonstrating their ability to assimilate to the feminine gender role, which they mistakenly believe women find attractive and sexually arousing.

Implications for Social Justice


Previously, I mentioned the "All bodies are beautiful" trope that I see plastered all over my news feed. This sentiment is annoying to me because it's usually directed at and places blame on the vague concept of "the patriarchy", when in reality almost all body-shaming is done by females. That's the case with pretty much all pro-women sentiment expressed today.

That realization came from a female friend from the past that was an adamant supporter of "redefining female beauty." She spent hours writing long, convincing blog posts about accepting all humans for their inherent value as people instead of looking at their "flaws" as defined by our oppressive, shallow, white, cisgendered, straight male culture.

And then I witnessed her and a group of friends discussing her boyfriend's new female coworker for whom she had never personally met and only saw from afar. 

Holy shit. 

It was as if she suffered from dissociative identity disorder. Gone were the vaguely Marxist hippyish ideas of loving each other no matter what. Gone were the ideas that females needed to unite to fight the oppressiveness that was the evil, misogynistic patriarchy. They were replaced with venomous statements like "That slutty whore" and "look at her fat ass and cankles!" She went from idealistic flower child to cunning, evil bitch in an instant. To the uninformed male, it probably looked like she was clinically insane. 

But there was nothing wrong with her. She was merely conforming to a rule of female behavior I mentioned earlier, which is fueled by hypergamy:

The rule: A woman will always act in a way that improves her ability to attract or retain the highest value male she can.

Her loyalty to supporting the plight of women disappeared in the face of her self-interest. This is important to understand because many women are also adept at using the cover of "Girl power!" to hide their own personal sexual agenda. Attempts are "redefining" universal beauty standards isn't meant to make our world a better, more accepting place. It's meant to give lower-value women a value boost. This isn't gender-specific; men do this, also (cough, cough, dadbod acceptance, cough.) The important point - it's motivated out of self-interest, not actual "social justice."

Very important rule of thumb: 

WOMEN ENGAGE IN FAR MORE MISOGYNISTIC BEHAVIORS, BOTH TOWARDS GROUPS AND INDIVIDUALS, THAN MEN. 

When feminists say they want to end female oppression, they need to start focusing on themselves, not men. Here's a nice corroborating article

Hopefully this post sheds a little light on female behavior men usually find confusing. Once you understand the underlying dynamics, female behavior becomes a lot more explainable and predictable, which is one of my major goals here at SDMC.


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The Ultimate Guide to Mastering Shit Tests

I've written about "shit tests" before over at my Sexpressionists blog, but my previous post failed to mention exactly HOW to pass them. Since this is considered a critically-important skill for men to learn if they hope to succeed with women (both initiating and maintaining relationships), an in-depth discussion is warranted. 

First, let's discuss exactly what constitutes a "shit test." The name itself, which I do not necessarily like, was originally used because of the male equivalent of "giving each other shit." When a guy tells his friend "I just got gone banging you mom; she told me to tell you dinner will be ready at 5.", the guy is testing his friend's reaction. The purpose is to assure the friend has emotional resiliency, which is usually demonstrated by a reciprocal "mom fucking" joke (which is a "pass".) 

If the friend, instead of reciprocating, were to turn into a whiny little bitch and get angry, he would "fail" the test and would be retested frequently until he does pass, thus demonstrating he has learned to be emotionally-resilient.

On the surface, these behaviors seem rather ridiculous until you consider our evolutionary history. This form of "giving each other shit" prepared men to guard the perimeter as I discussed in my Gender Role Protection Theory post. Men needed to know the other men protecting the perimeter could be trusted to protect their backs, and shit tests (along with hazing and other teasing behaviors) is one of the methods to accomplish this.

The version of female shit tests also serves an evolutionary role - they serve to assess the value of the male. Per the rules of evolution, a woman is always going to seek out the highest value male she can attract. Per the rules of hypergamy, women seek out two different traits - superior genes and the ability to provide for her and her eventual children. Because it's relatively easy for males to "pretend" to possess these traits, women have developed "shit tests" to assess a man's value.

The idea works like this. All shit tests women use really test a man's confidence. Social interactions can tell women a lot about a man. Specifically, women will look at how men treat her. It's based on the assumption that a high value male will have a lot of female options at his disposal, thus will act confidently around a woman that's lower than him in relative value. A lower value male, conversely, will not be confident around women that are "out of his league." A woman may also use shit tests to assess if a man has other options or if she's his only prospect. Finally, she may use shit tests to assess his potential as a long-term partner.

Women will use these shit tests to assess initial value upon the first meeting with a male, then again and again throughout the course of a relationship with males. The key - women do not "bank" the passing of shit tests. As a male, your value is continually assessed even after marriage, kids, and buying the house with the white picket fence. This is incredibly important because the ability to pass these shit tests is THE variable that assures relationships remain healthy. A dude can pass shit tests for years, then suddenly fail for whatever reason. The years of passed tests offers zero insulation to his value plummeting in her eyes. 

The Initial Value Assessment Shit Tests


These are the initial tests a woman uses to assess the value of a man. As I mentioned before, she's looking for a high value male that displays confidence, trying to assess if he has other options and, depending on her intent, maybe testing to see if he's long-term relationship material. Examples of this include things like: 

"Are you a player?"
"How many girls have you slept with?"
"Give me your number and I'll call you."
"Why are you talking to me?"
"Sorry, I don't give my number to strangers."
"I bet you say that to all the girls."
"Buy me a drink!"
"I have a boyfriend."
"Let's just be friends."
"I don't date your type."
"Do you believe in love at first sight?"
"Can we just be friends?"
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
"Hold my purse for me."
"Your shirt looks silly."

If a man can successfully respond to these (to be discussed later), he'll demonstrate his high value and she'll respond with interest. If he fails, she'll blow him off or recruit him in her friendzone where he'll be used for a variety of self-serving purposes while she gives vague hints that someday she may finally give you some pussy.

The Confident/ Creepy Paradox


There's a weird phenomenon that occurs with women supposedly "hating" things like being approached by men in bars, on the street, or anywhere really. I personally have experienced and observed that this idea comes with a HUGE qualifier: Women hate being approached... by low-value guys that they must then reject. In other words, women do not like being approached by guys that lack confidence, which is usually manifested as "creepy." 

Women DO love being approached by high-value guys, however. If a guy is hot, sexy, confident, dressed well, and can effectively navigate shit tests with ease, that supposed disdain for being approached disappears.

This is actually a brilliant sexual strategy for women, assuming they themselves are higher value. Low-value men disqualify themselves without her having to do any of the dirty, uncomfortable work of rejecting him. They'll assume she's "out of his league", "wants to be respected", and all the other silly nonsense guys use to rationalize their approach anxiety. 

Why is this so damned effective? Because only low-value beta males believe it. High value alphas don't give a fuck because they know it's bullshit. They still approach and still get the high value girls while the betas sit back and stew over the "stupid women falling for assholes." 

Kudos on this one, ladies!

The Continuing Value Assessment Shit Tests


Fundamentally, when a woman is in a relationship, she has to continually answer the question "Did I make the right choice?" She answers that question by giving shit tests. In fact, in yesterdays "21st Century Marriage" post, the relationship tends to go bad because the male sabotages his own value in her eyes by repeatedly failing her shit tests.

For us guys, this gets a little tricky, though. Not all apparent shit tests are shit tests. Sometimes the woman is asking a genuine question or making a valid request. Understanding the nature of women, including body language and context, helps a lot. Still, the stakes aren't quite as high. A male in a relationship doesn't have to pass every single shit test all the time. Passing most will usually be just fine.

The sheer range of tests can be daunting, ranging from very mild teasing all the way to threatening suicide. Yeah, that last one happens sometimes... which is why it's important to understand shit tests. Also worth noting, take suicide threats seriously. If she does it repeatedly, get the fuck out of that relationship now. Anyway, some examples:

"You're getting a little chubby."
"Are you upset?"
"Jim bought Sally flowers. Why don't you ever buy me flowers?"
"You never listen to me."
"Where do you see us in ten years?"
"Are you jealous?"
"Does this dress make me look fat?"
Most nagging behaviors.
Giving small requests.
Using sexuality to get you to comply.
Getting emotional to get you to comply.
Inconveniencing you with a silly request.
Cutting you off from affection and/or sex.
Blowing you off by ignoring you.

Passing these tests is a little more tricky. Before I get to the "how to pass them" section, let's talk about what NOT to do.

How to Fail Shit Tests


I actually received this question from an exceptionally clever mail reader. He wanted to know if he could end a relationship by completely bombing shit tests. I can't give any details because he had an especially sensitive situation that required her to be the one to end things, but I was impressed with his subversiveness. 

Basically, yes. A dude can usually end a relationship pretty easily by responding to shit tests in the following ways. Note to beta males - this is typically how YOU respond to shit tests, which is the reason you get nothing but maintenance sex


  1. React emotionally. Women want guys that have the capacity to connect on an emotional level. Women DO NOT want an emotional man that cannot control his emotions. If she gives you a shit test and you cry, whine, get angry, upset or any other uncontrolled emotion, your value plummets.
  2. Answer questions directly or take her statements literally. This is the most common guy response given our logical nature and linear thinking. We take the syntax of her speech at face value. That indicates you have zero ability to understand the nuance of her body language, tone, and context. Again, your value plummets.
  3. Act needy and clingy. I love the quote "A woman never wants you to need her, only to want her. The moment your want becomes need – she no longer wants you." Women despise needy men because it forces her to take the lead in the relationship. Even if she is a strong woman with a defined masculine ability to lead others, she still does not want to be burdened with leading her romantic relationship. Forcing her to do so causes your value to drop.

Passing the Shit Tests


For guys, learning to pass shit tests with flying colors is pretty simple. Too many men attempt to learn every single possible test, then learn multiple effective responses. Fuck that. I'm lazy. I want a short-cut.

Luckily, all we have to do is think of how we handle the shit tests us guys give each other. That same playful irreverence is magical. Not only does it cause us to pass the test, but it keeps everything light and playful. Life is a fuck-ton more enjoyable when we can laugh and smile. Combine that playful attitude with the following specific strategies, and great things will happen.

  1. Agree and amplify. Let's say she asks the classic "Does this dress make me look fat? question. You agree, then amplify the response to an absurd level that demonstrates you are not taking her seriously. You might respond with "Yeah, it makes your ass look huge. I'm not just talking 'Kim Kardashian' huge; I'm talking like 'we might need to register for a new zip code' huge!"
  2. Disagree and amplify. This takes the same absurdity idea, but does in the other direction. "Where the Hell did that voice come from?!? I hear your voice but I can't see you!" <squint in her direction> "Oh shit, there you are. That dress makes you look like a piece of thread that just popped a Viagra!"
  3. Change the subject. This one requires an obvious change of subject as opposed to giving the impression that the dude might have just missed what she said. If she asks "Will you hold my purse?" he might look directly at her purse, look her in the eyes, look at the purse again, then the eyes, then say "Have you ever wondered why pretty much all animals taste like chicken?"
  4. Ignore her. I personally do not like this one because it requires a deft hand to be effective. Otherwise, it's too easy to appear to be a passive-aggressive little bitch. If it CAN be pulled off, though, it can be exceedingly effective. 
  5. Command respect (play parent card.) This is sort of a weird strategy, but also very effective. Think how authoritative parents operate. They treat their kids with dignity and respect, but still clearly and firmly hold the reins. This works well if she uses emotion as a shit test. While in the throws of the emotional fit, you calmly give her a hug, then explain you're not going to tolerate this bullshit.
  6. Use the pressure flip. If you're proficient at thinking on your feet, the pressure flip works well. This is great for the situations where she asks you a question. Let's say she catches you glancing at another woman's ass and asks "were you checking her out?" You immediately respond with "Yeah, what do you think of her ass?"
  7. Use the nuclear option (go for jugular.) I personally hate this one because it's kinda cruel and have never been in a situation where it was warranted. However, it's a nice arrow to keep in the quiver... just in case. This is where you respond to the shit test by pointing out a serious flaw of hers. The point is to make her believe she is no longer sexually attractive to you. Since women use their sexuality to manipulate men in relationships, this is a very clear, overt signal that "you have no power over me."
There you have it - seven solutions to passing shit tests. As I mentioned, this personally works best for me when I keep everything as light and playful as possible. This is one of those topics that has all sorts of variables, so it's impossible to cover everything here. Additionally, this entire topic is based mostly on anecdotal evidence. While it is personally relevant and has always held true in other relationships I've observed, we don't know enough to confidently claim it's a universal construct. So... if you have any questions or comments, leave them in the comments section!

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Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Marriage in the 21st Century? Is it Really This Bad?

Earlier today, one of our Facebook group members posted this cartoon:


While we got a good chuckle, it perfectly illustrates the trap that befalls many men and women in our modern world. In fact, most of the men that have shown interest in the San Diego Man Camp project have recognized this narrative occurs all the time and do not want to fall into this trap.

As an armchair experimental social psychologist, I'm interested in the hows and whys of this cartoon. Specifically, what dynamics make it true. More importantly, what can be done to change this situation. THAT is one of the things I do in the SDMC project. 

So... let's break this down frame-by-frame. Before we start, it's important to note this narrative doesn't define ALL relationships, just many modern relationships. This specific scenario usually involves a woman in her mid-twenties to early thirties that's educated and spent a few years casually dating and doing a little partying, and a man that has beta male tendencies with a strong desire to make his wife and kids the focus of his life, and has been searching for his one special soul mate after years of being mostly friendzoned by his various crushes. Here's an easier-to-follow numbered version:

The easier-to-follow version

Frame 1: After years of casually dating hot guys that were not long-term relationship material (i.e. - unwilling to commit OR were unwilling to be monogamous), the woman "matures" and starts looking for a nice guy that will treat her right. We call this "The Wall"; it's the point where a woman's sexual market value starts to decrease and her sexual strategy shifts from seeking exciting alpha males to safe beta males (hypergamy.) She finds that in this dude. He's ecstatic because this is the first good woman he's found that loves him for him and really appreciates his willingness to treat her like a princess. Sure, she partied in her past, but he's willing to forgive because, well, he believes she's special and they were meant to be together. And she's giving him advertising sex, which is probably the best and most frequent he's ever had. 

Frame 2: Both men and women have a primal drive to reproduce; it's how our species survives. Women control reproduction in our species (by choosing who gets to father their children.) There's a lot more to this dynamic, but we'll save that conversation for another day. For our purposes here, let's just assume the new bride has her new husband's children. Yay!

Frame 3: This represents the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Everyone is happy, fulfilled, and content. If we could bottle this feeling and sell it, we'd be billionaires. In modern American society, we generally expect this phase to last forever. For the beta male, this stage is incredibly affirming. This is the exact scenario he's dreamed about his entire life. All his hard work at being a nice guy is finally paying dividends. Instead of the intermittent sex he's gotten in previous relationships, he's now getting regular, pretty good sex, he has an emotional connection to a fantastic woman, and he has a growing family. This is his Utopia. For the woman, this phase is great, too. Riding the high of the honeymoon, she's still sexually attracted to her husband. The sex isn't quite as passionate as she had with her past alphas, but she convinces herself this is what "mature" relationships are supposed to feel like.

Frame 4: This effectively marks the end of the honeymoon. The beta male (probably enjoying a little World of Warcraft) starts getting nagged by his soul mate. Given that he's not educated in female behavior, he doesn't recognize the nagging is just a shit test. As such, he fails miserably, thus lowering his perceived value in the eyes of his wife. Had he handled it properly (and continued to handle it properly), this would be the end of the story and they'd live happily ever after. 

But he doesn't.

Instead of standing up to her, he acquiesces. He does so because he has a genuine fear that if he does stand up to her, she will stop giving him affection and sex, which he believes is an affirmation of her love. His unwillingness to rock the pussy boat will cost him dearly by, ironically, causing the exact thing he fears most - a withdrawal of her love (and sex. Never forget the sex. The beta male puts up a front of being nonsexual, but it's a facade.)

Frame 5 and 6: Being the good provider he is, the beta male husband busts his ass at work and around the house. His wife's friends are envious of her "getting lucky" to find such a nice, hard-working guy.She may mention that to him, which just reinforces his willingness to do anything and everything for her. The dirty little secret beta males don't like to admit, even to themselves - he's busting his ass in the hopes she'll appreciate all his sacrifices and reward him with more/better sex. Instead, he gets maintenance sex - infrequent, unenthusiastic, inhibited sex. The sexual arousal she felt in the honeymoon period is dying fast, and she can barely contain her revulsion of his touch. she begins using the kids and work as an excuse ("I'm too tired"), which motivates him to do even more for her. Instead of realizing HE'S the reason for this, he begins to think maybe there's something physically wrong with her. This is how women get screwed (not literally, obviously) in this narrative.

Frame 7 and 8: The shit tests continue. The failing of shit tests continue. His value to her continues to plummet, which effectively kills any arousal she may have felt. This is a critical point that's often lost in these discussions, and it's an important lesson in hypergamy. The beta male is a provider, and a damn good one at that. He genuinely believes THAT is the attention his wife wants (and needs.) Like someone frantically kicking and flailing their arms in quicksand, he just makes the problem worse and worse. He doesn't realize she also has another side that desires a manly man that will be able to pass her shit tests that he fails... All. The. Time. She used to get that all the time before she met him. She really believed that was just a phase; she didn't realize that desire for a male that sexually arouses her (alphas) would never go away. That leads us to frame #9...

Frame #9: At some point, she begins to seriously question the relationship and probably her health and begins confiding in friends. Female sexual arousal disorder is one of the most frequent complaints of women in long-term relationships. Per our society's tendency to want to fix everything with drugs, this situation has led to the pharmaceutical industry's race to discover the "female Viagra." Nobody really stops to consider that the women, even though they feel emotionally-bonded to their husbands, simply aren't aroused because, well, the beta men act like women. 

Frame #10, 11, 12, and 13: The woman craves alpha cock, whether she consciously acknowledges it or not. Either way, this is where pickup artists that focus on married women ply their trade. Manly alpha dude the provides that alpha attention she craves steps in and does what he does best. She goes along because she experiences feelings (namely intense sexual arousal) that she hasn't felt in a very, very long time, and it reinvigorates her. Makes her feel young again. Make her feel things her beta husband never made her feel. 

There are two interesting and divergent narratives that typically arise from this after frame #13. In some cases, the woman is now satisfied and goes back to her hum-drum life. She may occasionally dip her toes in the alpha pool when the mood hits, but she's not willing to jeopardize her relationship with the man she loves. This, of course, is the reason why beta males have such a vile resentment for "damaged" women... they just don't get that women need more than a loyal provider. The other path women take brings us to frame #14...

Frame #14: Sometimes, after a woman gets a taste of the delicious alpha fruit, they get a "grass is greener" mentality and decide to end their current relationship... usually to be with the alpha that seduced them. That leads to divorce, lots of heartache, and a broken family for the kids. The beta male is destroyed because he genuinely does not understand what went wrong. Worse, he now has to pay alimony and child support, so his financial future is likely ruined. Hello, sleazy apartment! 

On the surface, it seems like the woman really won, but she's a well-past her peak value on the sexual market AND has kids. Her alpha male seducer would have left her (because he can attract much higher value women), so she's left with dating. She was appealing to him because she was unlikely to want any sort of commitment (she was an easy piece of ass.) She's left to pick through the remnants of low-value available men, which are basically seriously-flawed alpha males (criminals, those with serious mental disorders, con artists, etc.) OR beta males. In the latter case, she may get remarried and the cycle plays out again.

Isn't This Incredibly Cynical?!?


Yes. Yes it is. But, unfortunately, it's the reality for all too many people. Go to the /r/DeadBedrooms subreddit and read through some of those stories. You can see this exact dynamic playing out again and again and again. The reason I talk about this isn't to play a "men are hapless victims" card or "we need to abandon monogamous relationships." 

Rather, I talk about this because it's entirely fixable

However, it's the MALE that has to do the fixing. This entire narrative can be avoided if only the beta male would, well, man up. That's basically what the San Diego Man Camp projects aims to do... give men a road map and mutual support to learn to get better at being a man. 

Interested? Join our Facebook group. We have a lot of enlightening discussions. In the near future, I'll start offering workshops to explicitly teach the skills needed to turn betas into alphas and avoid this entire scenario. Stay tuned!

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Friday, July 24, 2015

How to Really Stop Bullying

Bullying has always been a topic that interests me. As a kid, I spent a few years being a bully, then a few more years being bullied. Since that time, I've had a handful of people attempt to bully me. As a high school teacher, I witnessed countless incidents of bullying. As a person with a psychology background and a deep fascination of human behavior, I've always been curious about the exact motivations behind the behaviors.

Aside from my own personal interest, bullying exacts a huge social cost in human life. Approximately every 30 minutes, another person commits suicide due to being bullied. That alone should motivate us to take this problem seriously. Hopefully this post will serve as a spark to ignite a wider debate on bullying and maybe, just maybe, lead us to a future where so many people aren't dying.

Yesterday, I asked my Facebook friends why they thought bullies, well, bully. Their responses were about what I expected, and mostly attributed bully to either negative personality characteristics, insecurities and/or an inferiority complex, fear, hatred, unhappiness, mental disorders, emotional immaturity, or they're just perpetuating a bullying cycle (they were bullied, thus they become bullies.)

While I don't discount any of these explanations, none of them really seem to adequately explain the actual bully dynamics. That shouldn't come as a surprise, because science doesn't really understand bullying behavior. All of these explanations are based on logical or emotional inferences, not actual empirical data. When we DO look at the empirical data, we realize we, as a society, have no fucking clue about bullying. Evidence: This study that shows anti-bullying programs actually INCREASE bullying. The authors hypothesize these programs don't stop bullying; they teach bullies to get better at not getting caught. It's the equivalent of showing bank robbers the blueprints for the bank's security systems. 

For some of you that may be familiar with anti-bullying programs, you're probably thinking "But wait! I know of programs that work! My school (or my kid's school or whatever) implemented it and it really works!"

Maybe, but odds are good it's a lot like Finland's "successful" program. This program effectively teaches bystanders to overcome the bystander effect and intervene on behalf of the victim. That's actually really effective... at eliminating bully behavior in situation and pushing it to another. It's sort of like how we treat the homeless here in Southern California. They're a nuisance, so municipalities enact programs to force them to move to a neighboring municipality, then they do the same. It does nothing to solve the problem, but it makes people feel good that they "fixed" homelessness because they no longer see them begging on the street corner. Likewise, schools can feel good because they "solved" the bullying program by pushing the problem elsewhere.

I call bullshit. If I'm going to address a problem, I want to actually FIX it. If I'm in a sinking boat, I don't want to devise a better method of shoveling water out of the boat. I want to find the holes and plug them. That's what I want to do with bullying.

My Hypothesis


Currently, there are a slew of evolutionary psychologists that believe bullying behavior occurs as a function of... big surprise, evolution. They contend bullying behavior is about social domination. In our evolutionary past, bullies would get more resources like food and shelter. Those that were the best at bullying would have access to the greatest quantity of resources, thus most likely to survive long enough to pass their genes to the next generation. As a result, bullying behavior is "hard-wired" into our genes. In the modern world where we really don't have to fight over resources, kids that grow up in a chaotic home environment may not learn the social skills to inhibit this "natural" tendency, so they engage in bullying behavior. 

That's problematic on several levels. First, bullying occurs regardless of the stability of home environment and is better predicted by the perceived safety of the environment. For example, bullying behaviors are positively correlated with violence. The more dangerous the environment, the more bullying we see. Interestingly, that only pertains to males (that's a big hint.) Furthermore, males tend to bully other males they don't know very well (another hint.)

What about female bullying? This offers a tantalizing clue, too. First, females engage in far different bullying behaviors than men. Men are direct. They physically and verbally bully each other face-to-face. Women? Not so much. They engage in relational bullying, or, as we like to say, they're catty bitches. They corrupt the relationships of their victims by spreading rumors, leaking secrets, back-stabbing, and using "excluding" behaviors. More significantly, bullying behavior increases as a function of social standing. The popular girls are most likely to bully. Weirdly (to me anyway), this fundamental difference in bullying methodology between the genders is often written off as a minor detail when it should be considered a major hint regarding the real cause of bullying.

So what is the real cause?

Gender roles and sexual selection. 

Ever watch later elementary and middle school-aged children flirt with each other? It's rough. They have the basics down, but they're WAYYYY over-exaggerated. They just haven't fine-tuned the skill set, and they'll slowly improve throughout high school and into college, with some never really improving on their early fumbling attempts. This flirting behavior serves a useful evolutionary purpose; it's the mechanism we use to attract and secure a mate and eventually pass our genes on to the next generation. 

Bullying plays by that same rule. Bullying in children is rough around the edges. It never really stops over the course of our lifetime (yes, there are retirement community bullies.) And, like flirting, bullying serves an evolutionary purpose. Bullying differs in that males and females engage in bullying for very different reasons. 

Intermission: If you haven't read it, take a look at my Gender Role Protection Theory and the accompanying "why homophobia exists" post. They'll be referenced in the "male bullying" discussion. Also take a look at the "sexual market value" section of my Women, Explained series. It'll help explain female bullying.

Why Men Bully


When men bully, they're shit-testing each other to test fitness to "protect the perimeter." In evolutionary terms, men, due to our larger physical size and greater upper body strength, are tasked with protecting the tribe. Part of that task relies on interdependent cooperation. Guys need to know the other guys protecting the perimeter with them are capable of protecting their back, both literally and figuratively. This is why men bully men they don't know well. This is also why standing up to male bullies is the only effective way to stop bulling. This is also why "telling the teacher" or "bystander intervention" just causes the bully to modify their bullying behaviors. This is also why men bully effeminate males (gay males, transgender folks, etc.) so often (read the homophobia post if you skipped it.) 

As I mentioned, if the victim fights back, even unsuccessfully, the bullying immediately stops. If they do not fight back, the bulling continues until they do. Sadly, our society has fallen into a trap of being rather militant on teaching boys NOT to fight back. That results in continual bullying until the victim simply snaps (hello, school shooters!) 

We can solve that problem by simply teaching boys to stand up to bullies. That will pass the test. Of course, that'll never happen because we love our "we must extinguish any and all toxic masculinity violence" narrative that we mistakenly believe will lead us to a magical Utopia filled with hybrid unicorn dolphins and muffins wrapped in Skittle-flavored rainbows.

Sorry... it's hard to contain my cynicism. Before we move to women, there's one other interesting angle to this. I've had a hard time finding primary sources (unfortunately I was a history major in addition to psych), but there have been some cultures in human history that had a special rule of sorts for biological/genetic men that did not want to "protect the perimeter." They basically got a free pass to opt out of this male shit-testing. Instead of protecting the perimeter, they would do other tasks within the tribe/community. In other words, they weren't bullied because there was no reason to bully them. I have no idea how we could implement this in our modern American society, but it would be a great solution to those men that do not want to conform to the masculine gender role. 


Why Women Bully


This is a lot more difficult problem to solve. Women essentially bully to maintain status as the highest-valued females. Their motive is simple - the highest value females get access to the highest value males. Female bullying disqualifies other potential rival females for access to males. They begin these behaviors before they actually hit puberty for the same reason they start rudimentary flirting behaviors before puberty... complex social skills are hard to learn. 

These behaviors are fairly predictable, and includes several behaviors that many feminists somehow manage to blame on men (or the "Patriarchy.) A few examples include:

  • Slut-shaming
  • Fat-shaming
  • Style-shaming ("You're wearing THAT dress?")
  • Public humiliation
  • Excluding women from social circles or not inviting women to events
  • Back-handed complimenting
  • The aforementioned leaking of secrets and spreading rumors
Honestly, I have no idea how to fix this problem because, at the most basic level, female bullying is one of the engines of evolution. It assures the best genes from the human gene pool are matched up, thus assuring our survival. Short-circuiting that mechanism would doom us genetically. If we were Hell-bent on making it happen, we'd basically have to resort to radical social engineering where women would be forced to reproduce with completely random men. I have a hard time believing anyone (me included) would support that idea. 

A victim of female bullying could feasibly take the male approach and stand up to the bullies, but they'd probably have to resort to a scary level of violence to make the bullying stop. Unlike male bullying, female bullying isn't a test. It's the real deal. The females doing the bullying have no incentive to back down until the victim is effectively disqualified from attaining the high value males. To make it worse, female bullying occurs in packs against individuals, so the victim would essentially have to kick the asses of an entire group.

There may be some value in education, though. If a female victim of bullying understands exactly why she is being bullied, maybe she wouldn't take it as personally. That subtle shift in understanding might make the difference between her contemplating suicide and having the strength to persevere. Even if it saved a single life, it would be worthwhile.


Conclusion


Bullying is a serious behavior that harms countless people. Hell, it KILLS a lot of people. As a society, our previous and current attempts to curtail the behaviors have been fruitless. The best we can do now is suppress bullying in a specific environment. To me, that's completely unacceptable because the bullying is still occurring. Is my hypothesis correct? Maybe. Maybe not. But what the Hell do we have to lose?

This post is kind of important. Even if you disagree, we need to start thinking outside the box on this issue. Please share this post far and wide. If you're a parent, grandparent, aunt, or uncle, this issue probably affects the kids you love. If you're a teacher or any other professional that works with children, this issue affects the children you care for so dearly. Hopefully it'll start a new, better dialogue. Post it on Facebook, Twitter, and even Google+. Email it to your coworkers and family members, or print it out and post it in the break room or on the fridge at home. If we spread the word, together we might be able to save some lives.


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Wednesday, July 22, 2015

SDMC Case Study #3: Anal and Hypergamy - A Must-Read For All Men Before They Commit To A Woman


Today's SDMC case study comes from the esteemed website salon.com. If you're unfamiliar, Salon writes drivel that affirms bad lie decisions. This installment about a woman that couldn't tame the bad boy is no exception. Long story short - A woman (Marilyn, though she refers to herself as "Diana" in the story) has several failed relationships, thinks she finds her perfect prince (Liam), she thinks he's going to propose to her but instead asks for butt sex, he's grossed out and dumps her, she eventually finds her "soul mate." They live happily ever-after. It'll help to read the article before moving on.

Pertinent Details



  1. Marilyn and Liam have been dating for a year.
  2. Marilyn has been dreaming of getting married her whole life.
  3. He is attractive (piercing green eyes, jet-black hair)
  4. She's 26 years old.
  5. She consents to anal sex because she believes it will lead to him marrying her (advertising sex).
  6. When she first had sex at the age of 20, she expected her boyfriend to marry her.
  7. Her emotional neediness led to seven failed relationships prior to Liam.
  8. Liam makes her vagina tingle (amazing sex)
  9. Liam is 29.
  10. Liam is "already a executive at a top engineering firm.
  11. Marilyn saw Liam as "her prince."
  12. Marilyn's sister got fit to land a high-value male (she uses the term "playboy tamer"), advised her to do the same. Marilyn did; she made herself into a "huntress."
  13. She pretended to be the girl of his dreams; she inhibited her craziness that drove the other guys away.
  14. She lies about liking the anal sex in expectation of him committing to marriage.
  15. He's grossed-out and never calls her again.
  16. After Liam, she decides she's done with "guys like him" (good-looking, gives her the support and attention she craves.)
  17. She meets and marries Jeff, a typical nice-guy beta male.


Analysis


I couldn't have written a better graphic depiction of hypergamy if I tried... mostly because I'm terrible at fiction. Luckily, Marilyn provides some nice reality. Marilyn is a pretty typical American woman. She's 26 (#4), meaning she most likely just passed her "wall" and her sexual market value is just starting to decline. She starts having sex at slightly later-than-usual age (see #6 above.) She's spent her whole life imagining getting married (#2), and gave her first boyfriend sex with the explicit expectation he'd marry her (#6). This established the pattern of sex being used as a tool to get stuff, specifically a lifelong commitment. She repeated this pattern seven times before Liam, but she displayed emotionally-needy behavior that ended the relationships (#7).

When she met Liam, she perceived him as her perfect man (#11). He was handsome (#3), rich (#10), and had great "game" (#8). In hypergamy terms, Liam is the perfect male... he's alpha as fuck (hot and exciting) AND has great potential as a provider. At 29, Liam was still about six years away from hitting his peak sexual market value (#9). They had been dating for a year, but she couldn't get him to commit even though she had inhibited (not changed) the emotional neediness that sunk her previous relationships (#1 and #13). Realizing she needed to "up her game" to tame the bad boy, Marilyn enlists the help of her sister who used the same value-enhancing formula to land a high-value male (handsome surgeon, #12). Why? She's realizing her peak is or will soon pass, and Liam is perhaps her last chance to land the guy that has it all. She's desperate to cash in her chips and get him to commit. 

The story arrives at an apex when Liam invites her to spend a swanky weekend at an expensive NYC hotel. She expects him to propose. Instead, he asks her for anal sex. Like in her previous relationships, she believes she can use sex to get a commitment from him (classic example of advertising sex) so she consents to taking it up the butt (#14). She does not like it, but lies and says she does. Remember, she's desperate for that commitment. Afterward, he retires to the bathroom and freaks out about some shit on his dick (#15).

Short aside - REALLY? This reminds me of my trail running days when I'd run a muddy course and run into the occasional road runner. They'd usually lose their shit (heh) because their shiny new Nike Waffle Racers would get a little muddy. What the fuck did you expect? It's a god damned muddy trail!!!! Rule of thumb, guys. If you're engaging in unplanned anal, she ain't got time to thoroughly clean the pipes. If you can't handle a little poo, stay out of the butt. Or just wear a condom. I seriously question this dude's abilities as an executive. Anyway...

Odds are good Liam is acutely aware of his own sexual market value. As a hot, rich dude in NYC, he pretty much has his pick of the litter. It's not surprising he ends it for a seemingly trivial reason. He has a lot of other options, many better than Marilyn. Harsh, but true.

After he doesn't call, she spends a few weeks sulking, then swears off high-value alpha males (#16). This is a very explicit example of a woman hitting the aforementioned "wall" where they become aware of their diminishing value on the sexual market. That signals the need for a new strategy to land a provider to satisfy the provisioning side of hypergamy. Per the usual, she rationalizes this as "growing up."

So she moves across the country and meets Jeff. As evident by her description, Jeff is a total emotionally-needy beta male that's willing to place her on a pedestal. He ignores all her faults out of fear of losing her affirmations (#17). Liam provided a hard slap of reality - she no longer had the value to get a man like Liam to commit, so she needed something safe. Jeff may not be handsome, rich, or exciting, but he's safe. Marilyn went for a low-value male because she can't get a high-value male to commit because she's not high enough value herself. For what it's worth, Liam would probably need a ridiculously high value woman to get him to commit. 


Prognosis


This one is easy. Jeff and Marilyn will have a good few years. Jeff will be on cloud-nine; he's probably been friendzoned his entire post-puberty life. He'll be getting the regular sex he's never had and he'll buy into the idea that Marilyn is his soulmate... that one special snowflake that has finally confirmed that, in the end, the nice guy really does get the girl. He'll do everything for her. Except, of course, stand up to her. And make decisions. He's psychologically incapable of rocking the pussy boat. That's precisely what makes him so safe. There's a pretty decent chance Jeff is actually an emotionally-manipulative "Nice Guy" that falls into the pattern of classifying women as "Chicks I hope to fuck" or "cunts that have rejected me."

They'll probably have a kid or two. Their frequent, relatively decent sex will slow down dramatically. Marilyn will focus on the kids and start treating Jeff for the chump he is. She'll deliver shit tests, which he will reliably fail. With each one, his value drops lower and lower in Marilyn's eyes. Eventually she will have lost what little respect she had for him as a man, which will effectively kill any and all arousal she may have felt. Bring on the maintenance sex!

Jeff will wonder when their sex life, which he believes was the best she's ever had, will pick back up. He won't be aware that Marilyn had a lot hotter sex with her previous alphas... and she's keeping quiet about that one. Except Liam's butt sex, of course. Thanks Salon! He'll start trying harder and harder to rekindle their past passion. He'll double down and become even more compliant, do more chores, do more romantic gestures, even hone his skills as a lover. In short, he'll become even more beta. He'll bend to her every whim. Eventually he'll start to feel resentful for the fact that he's trying so hard but getting none of the affirmations (and sex) he feels he deserves. That resentfulness will eventually make Jeff susceptible to another woman that may come along and offer the love, affection, and, most importantly, hot sex he needs and isn't getting from his supposed soulmate.

Marilyn, unfortunately, will be blind to all of these undercurrents that have been dictated by her biology. She will believe exactly what she wrote in this article - she married her best friend. She won't make the connection that Jeff doesn't arouse her like Liam (or the other seven dudes before him) did because he's not enough of a man. She'll blame herself instead. She'll have some arousal for the honeymoon period of the relationship due to the sexual novelty, but it'll quickly fade. She'll blame her eventual lack of arousal (and inhibitions) on being too tired from taking care of the kids, her writing career, or, worse, a medical problem. She'll WANT to give Jeff the sex he so desperately craves, but she'll learn she can't will herself to desire him. Eventually she'll start fantasizing about the hot alphas she used to fuck, which may lead her to start developing a wandering eye. That alpha-craving side of her hypergamy will make her susceptible to the alpha pickup artists that give lonely women married to betas what they need - a good, hard, fucking.

They'll either divorce after 5-10 years (most likely scenario) or somehow muster the resolve to "stay together for the kids" (if they decide to have some) and ride it out until the kids are old enough to survive the scars of divorce. 

And that, kids, is how most modern American relationships work.


My Advice


Jeff and Marilyn are on a path too many relationships follow. Woman fucks around throughout her late teens and early twenties, hits the wall, and marries a beta. The dude spends the same time frame getting routine rejections from women but gets just enough action to convince him he's doing it right (unlike those alpha douchebags that are always getting anal) until he finds his post-wall "soulmate." At that point, it's only a matter of time before the relationship crumbles.

The only real hope is for Jeff to man-up (assuming they're not past the point of no return.) Quite literally, he has to learn to be better at being a man. He needs to make himself into the alpha male his wife craves. That will trigger her dormant desire. Jeff probably thinks he's getting the best sex she could give because he believes women can voluntarily control desire and he is, after all, her best friend. He doesn't understand the passion and intimacy paradox, but he would after manning up.

If he does this, he'll eventually earn the respect Marilyn never had for him by passing her shit tests. With each one, her desire for him will grow. If he learns to effectively alternate passion and intimacy (like I discuss in No Bone Zone), they'll start having more frequent, uninhibited sex AND a deeper emotional connection.  

If Jeff becomes the alpha his wife craves without turning her into the enemy (i.e. - still maintaining the loyalty that made him such a good-boy beta) they'll both be on the royal road to long-term happiness. He will no longer need her constant affirmations and sex which, ironically, will provide him with more of both. She will no longer crave that alpha cock because she's getting it along with his loyal provisioning and protection. She will finally have that prince she thought she had in Liam years before.


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