In the first post of the series, I introduced the four types of beta relationships. In the second post, I talked about how to spice up boring but otherwise healthy marriages. In the third post, I discussed fixing relationships where the dude was once an alpha, but she tamed him into a passive beta. Both of those scenarios aren't all that serious and the fix is fairly easy.
Today's relationship pattern is a little more complex. And a lot harder to "fix." What happens when a dude has been a beta his entire life, entered into a relationship as a beta, and has continued that beta trend? Before we get to the discussion on relationships, let's explore exactly what we mean by a "beta."
In the San Diego Man Camp, we've started using the following operational definitions for the terminology we use:
- "Bad Boy" = male that causes women to release dopamine (and norepinepherine and endorphines... makes women excited and euphoric) in their presence, thus is exciting and sexually arousing. The problem with bad boys is they have little or no desire to commit to a long-term monogamous relationship. Bad Boys tend to be male sluts.
- "Beta Male" = male that causes a woman to release oxytocin in their presence, which emotionally bonds women to their men and is the basis of committed pair-bonding. Beta men also produce large amounts of vasopressin, which bonds them to their mate and makes them ignore other women (produces loyalty.) Beta males do not sexually arouse women. I describe beta males in detail here, explain my own beta experiences here, and explain why betas have so much trouble changing despite repeated failure here.
- "Alpha Male" = male that causes a woman to release dopamine (and the other neurotransmitters) AND oxytocin AND release enough vasopressin in their own brains to remain monogamous. These are men that have the opportunity to cheat because they're desirable, have the desire to cheat because they embrace their sexuality, but choose not to out of a sense of loyalty.
- "Gamers" = males that do not produce dopamine OR oxytocin in women. In other words, they tend to repulse women. These are the males that never score with women. Ever. They're usually low value AND lack the social skills or socioeconomic status to attract even very low value women. Most people call these men "Omega Males", but I chose gamers because it seemed to hit an amusing nerve among some people that play video games. As a general rule, if I find out I exposed an irrational nerve that causes people to get overly defensive, I like to poke at that nerve. Repeatedly. :-)
Global Betas versus Situational Betas
Sometimes men are "betas" in every art of their lives; sometimes they're "betas" only around women. In the case of the former, fixing the problem is a little more time-consuming because there's no frame of reference. These men are always searching for affirmations from others, avoid risks, cannot take criticism, tends to be needy and overly emotional, and has a tendency to use guilt and shame to manipulate others.
In the case of the latter, learning to be "alpha" is usually simply a matter of doing what you do outside relationships inside relationships. When they're not dealing with women, these men are confident, assertive, and decisive. With women, they exhibit all the beta traits listed above and in the linked posts.
Most of the guys that fit this scenario fall into a predictable pattern. Most did not have a strong male role model to display masculine traits. They were raised by single moms or by fathers that had strong beta tendencies. At some point on their youth, they failed to learn about the nature of women. In many cases, they learned about "what women want" from women themselves. As a result, they place women on a pedestal and treat them like princesses instead of, well, people. They are willing to do anything and everything for women because they believe women will then reciprocate and meet all their needs. In essence, they believe they can put "niceness" coins in and get sex and love in return.
The women that initiate relationships with betas meet pretty pretty predictable criteria. In our modern American society, the vast majority of these women have passed "the wall" (the point where they become aware that their sexual market value is decreasing) and realize they can no longer attract Alpha Males for commitment. They can still land Bad Boys, but they have no desire to commit. As such, they "grow tired of games" (which is code for "these bad boys refuse to be monogamous with me") and go through a process of "maturing."
That causes them to look for the opposite of the fun and exciting (and sexually arousing) Bad Boy - the beta male. The woman appeals to the beta because, in his mind, his "nice guy" game finally paid off. He finally beat the "alpha assholes" that have been stealing his crushes since puberty. Alas, it's just an illusion. Once the honeymoon period wears off, she will fall into the beta wife trap and their relationship will meet a predictable end.
So How is the Problem Solved?
Most of the guys in this scenario follow a very predictable "Nice Guy" pattern which is exceptionally hard to overcome, especially quickly. This is going to be a long, slow process. Also, there's less of a guarantee the beta wife will want to be with him if he makes these changes. Actually, it's more likely HE will increase his value enough to start attracting the attention of much higher value females and he'll be tempted to seek out greener pastures. This effect is slightly negated by the "passive dread game effect" where women will sense her mate's new-found popularity with the opposite sex and begin giving him advertising sex AND start increasing her own value.
Sidebar - a lot of guys ask me for ideas to convince their wives to do all kinds of things, the two most common being "lose weight and exercise" and "initiate/ be more passionate/ have fewer inhibitions when having sex." The simplest method - increase your own value.
Okay, so what's the process to make this situation better? Like the other scenarios, education is going to play a major role in the transformation. Unlike the other scenarios, this is a difficult journey if you're going solo. You'll have A LOT more success if you have a mentor or mentors that has been through the process. If you don't know any reformed betas, check out our Facebook page. Most of us have are are going through this process; it's an excellent resource for support and guidance.
- Understand the "Nice Guy" persona.
- Understand the nature of female desire.
- Understand why women want a decisive man.
- Understand the true nature of passion and intimacy.
- Understand the very basics of being an alpha male.
- Understand how to pass shit tests.
- Understand how women want to be treated.
These posts provide a good framework for the rest of the reading you'll be doing. Once you get through these posts, read the following books in this order. They will provide a more in-depth analysis of the things discussed in my posts above.
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. For the career beta, this is a requirement because it's really important to see how the "supplicating" dynamic usually works. Until you recognize how and why you do beta behaviors, you will not be able to overcome them.
- The entire Women, Explained series - This will give you an understanding of female behavior, along with the conventions we use in SDMC.
- Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay - This is THE primer that provides a framework for healthy relationship.
- The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi - Rollo gives a more in-depth analysis of female behaviors.
- The Sex God Method by Danial Rose - An unconventional sex manual that covers the issue of dominance, which is largely ignored in other sex books.
- The Way of Men by Jack Donovan - This book explores the nature of "masculinity", which is critical in helping the reforming beta act more like a man.
- Rules of the Game by Neil Strauss - This is a pickup artist book, which will help the career beta learn the basics of being able to pick up women. This is critical to break the belief that women are a scare commodity, which is the reason the beta desperately clings to their wives or girlfriends. Knowing you have options is the single biggest source of natural confidence you can have.
- Linchpin by Seth Godin - This book will help you understand what a "life mission" actually means.
Once you've digested all of these sources, you'll have an excellent frame of reference to a) identify your beta behaviors, b) understand why they're causing damage, and c) have effective alternatives. Odds are good your relationship is in a precariously bad spot. She does not respect you or find you attractive. One or both of you may have considered or is actively having an affair. You may either fight frequently or live in a state of perpetual apathy. You're more like roommates than lovers.
If you're reading this, I'm working off the assumption that you're interested in saving the relationship. In many cases, this happens because divorce may break up the family (if you have kids) or both of you may take a significant lifestyle hit if you lose your combined income. However, there's a chance SHE may not be interested in continuing the relationship. In the alpha-turned-beta situation I discussed in the last post, her first impression of him was that of an "alpha." When he starts improving, she's getting the man she fell for at the beginning of the relationship. When a dude starts as a beta, it's really hard to change that initial impression. He's becoming a fundamentally different man. Most women would love that change, but some are too insecure and need their men to act like whipped dogs.
Be aware that this process will make your life better, but that "better" may mean your current relationship ends. For the beta male, that's a terrifying thought. However, the new you will attract far more valuable women. If she doesn't want you, it's her loss. So... the process:
- Find a mentor that has underwent a similar process.
- Find a life mission to focus on that is NOT your wife or family. Mark Manson wrote an excellent article that can help with this step, as will "Linchpin." This will help make the transition from making women the focus of your life to women being a compliment to your life. This mental paradigm shift is absolutely critical for recovering betas.
- Start increasing your value by self-improvement, including getting fit (lift weights, lose fat), learning better posture, eye contact, and body language, dressing better, and increasing confidence. It's important to do this in every situation, not just around your wife. Initially, this will seem really difficult and it may take a while to work up the courage to do anything. However, once you get the smallest taste of success, you'll feel empowered. You'll begin to see that your previous belief that people hate alphas was completely wrong. People love alphas, and they'll respond favorably to your alpha behaviors. Those successes create a vicious cycle of awesomeness and will fuel future progress.
- Actively make decisions that will lead to greater levels of testosterone. Testosterone is masculinity. It makes us sexual, dominant, competitive, and assertive. It is what makes us attractive to women. Many beta men fear their testosterone, which leads to beta behaviors.
- Start standing up for yourself and set very clear expectations for how you expect her to treat you, along with clear consequences if she crosses a boundary. This step is very clear as it will begin rebuilding respect. For the beta, this will likely be a long process with a lot of failures. That's to be expected; you're changing a lifelong pattern of behavior. Once she starts respecting you more, attraction will follow soon after.
- Start making more decisions, passing all shit tests, and initiating sex. When having sex, use the lessons from The Sex God Method.
- Start planning and executing fun stuff on a regular basis.
- Maintain occasional beta behaviors, especially during the non-ovulatory days of her menstrual cycle. This serves two purposes - first, it decreases the frequency of her attempts to kill the "alpha" you're rebuilding. Second, it actually increases her attraction to you because alphas that know when and how to effectively use beta techniques are the highest value males.
As you can see, the process is fundamentally the same as the other situations, only the time frame changes. The first two scenarios can usually be rectified in a few months. This process? It may take anywhere from six months to several years. It took me over a decade to complete this process, but I had zero guidance, had no idea what the end goal looked like, and did everything via trial and error. If I would have had these resources at my fingertips, I could have saved years and years of struggle and have spent a lot more time actually enjoying life. Helping others save time in this process is the reason I do what I do here.
Anyway, in the next post, we'll tackle the most challenging scenario - The Graveyard Marriage. These are beta marriages that are essentially hanging by a thread and one or both people are desperate to save it but have zero answers. Hopefully the next post will give those folks a glimmer of hope.